Throwback: Awards Ceremony 2010

Note: I apologize in advance to anyone who is going to have to read this.
Like, seriously. Unconditional apology. Please take it, and don't beat me. 

Written May 7, 2010 - More CLAT Prep nonsense. 

There is a new kind of lapdance. It's called the Mozzie Lapdance and it's what you end up doing when you have a laptop in your lap and the mosquitoes are doing a Charge of the Light Brigade on your feet. And while my reflexes have improved greatly since landing in the capital city, the mosquitoes obviously have one over me when it comes to 1000 to one combat. I suppose the centuries of evolutionary training encoded into their genes tends to give them an edge.

While my train is going the Derail way to Destruction, i'm glad and proud to report that my Cafe in Facebook's Cafe World is flourishing. Oyez... apparently some things aren't meant to be changed. And the question is, do I lie down and take the prospect of Mediocrity for all Eternity quietly, or do I try and Sumo Wrestle some sense into my head? I'm reasonably sure I'll hate myself forever if I doom myself to that circle of Hell known as the Shadow of Oblivion. But at the moment, I feel like I'm dealing with some painfully enlarged caricature of my little brat cousin. As the grown ups in my life wring their hands in despair at the cheerful picture of Eternal Damnation that I'm happily painting for myself, they fail to realize that there is, indeed, someone more vexed with me than they are.

Oyez, that would be me.

Unfortunately, I can, it turns out, neither control myself, nor stand myself. Not a happy place to be, I tell you.

Special mention goes to Black Hole Productions. The choice of name seems to have slightly dubious origins that, more likely than not, warrant a return to my jujitsu heyday. Ah well.. I suppose it is better to let sleeping dogs lie. But @ any rate, these guys certainly deserve both the Femme Fatale You-gotta-give-it-to-them-for-trying-so-well Award as well as the Femme Fatale Nostalgia Winner for the year 2009.

Also, let me introduce you to the star of the night... Miss Beth, who wins the Belle of the Hostel Award. The Best Actor award is something that I cannot, in good conscience give away, to anyone other than the Ex- He Of the Chocolate Eyes. After all, it's quite something to get your audience to believe in your performance. And it's quite something else to get yourself to believe it as well. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's hear it for the one and only.. Axpasa!

The Femme Fatale Cling-On Song, traditionally given to the song that is always sure to help you out no matter what your state of mind is, goes to Stop N' Stare by the indomitable OneRepublic. It is with great pleasure, that I also bestow PopCorn Hailstorm, that much coveted statuette which honours the movie that deserves more than rotten tomatoes, popcorn and the odd shoe thrown at it, upon the unparallelled New Moon. On a completely related note, PasteBoard of the Year has been awarded to Kirsten Stewart for both her unsalvageable acting, as well as her fashion sense.Oh, and for that snooty look she always wears in the photo ops. [Present Day Note: You take that back right now, Young Me! TAKE IT BACK, you incorrigible coolgirl! *Worships Kristen Stewart*]

The Lost T- Shirt is given this year, by much popular demand, to the droolworthy Tyler Lautner. As the name suggests, this award is in sync with the prayers of hundreds of teenage girls who pray that Tyler Lautner may never ever find his T shirt again.

Aaand.... here's the much awaited Blond(e) Bimbo Bitch Award. This year's honourable selection committee for this award (encompassing my honourable self and my honourable brother) were unable to agree on which of two extremely deserving candidates should walk away with this priceless gem. Hence we have decided to award it equally to La Bimba de California and her tireless and tasteless admirer J J.
A consolation prize has also been announced in this section, and this goes to none other than me. For being the tireless and tasteless admirer of the tireless and tasteless admirer J J for nigh over a year.

Moving on, I take this opportunity to present my beautiful wife Zee with a rose and a diamond ring, as a token of appreciation for touching my life in the way she has done. Also for calling me on my birthday last year and surprising me.

The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to P-Naz a.k.a. cK of Black Hole Productions. For achieving what he's been trying to achieve all his life. Too bad he doesn't know it.
The Jack Sparrow Medallion for Treason on the High Seas goes to my erstwhile Sensei and usurper Emjay R. Without her in my life I'm sure I'd have been hard pushed to find my place in HeartbreakVille.

Aneurysm of the Year goes to M. Aka my mum. This is in recognition of the heart attack she survived when she first saw me in my Christmas dress. Sans the leggings and the shrug meant to soften the visual impact. The ZapComic Trophy this year goes to Zoot and Loxie for promoting the cause of nudism and for undiluted and innocent humour. Although @ times it does look like the artist is allergic to his subjects wearing clothes at all, and is trying to utilise every avenue of getting his subjects to bare all. The Winner of the ZapComic Trophy for the year 2008 came a close second this year as well... the incomparable Questionable Content!!!

Mathematics was adjudged the Most Titillating Subject, for its sheer Turn On Capacity. Or well, the Turn On Capacity of the tutor, @ any rate. The WWE Wrestling Allure Gold Medal goes to Robert Downey Jr. and the movie Sherlock Holmes (2009) collectively. Jude Law won the Moste Cute and Mischievous Smile Award for his smile after he flings Downey Jr.'s coat out of the carriage window in the same movie. The Horniest Bugger Distinction goes to Pintsize, Marten Reed's AnthroPC in the webcomic Questionable Content. It ought to be noted that Axpasa came a close third, only behind Tiger Woods.

Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content beat out close competition from Joanne Kathleen Rowling of Harry Potter fame for Femme Fatale Self Made Idol 2009. Shakthi, winner of Dance India Dance 2009-10 also wins Inferiority Inducer Most High. Cashew Fenny has won the dubious distinction of being my first tyrst with alcoholic drinks. (No, I didn't puke.)

The Movie NonMutilata of the year is Atonement, based on Ian McEwan's novel of the same name. The Faithful Freddie I claim for myself. And Sean Rego, Commander of the Special Anti Mallu Task Force has won the acclaimed title of Munnabhai, fighting off (literally) stiff competition from Makem, Don of the Malbari UnderWorld.

Budding Femme Fatale 2009 is the mysterious La Rosa, who professes a new found love for IMORTIKONS, Hide N' Seek cookies, and Facebook. Ah, my little sister. Welcome to the world.

A toast to all the winners, and the runners up. I also seek to satiate the looming spectre of my exam with a toast. I lift up to you all the glass of wine I am planning to drink before crashing tonight.