Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Upon my oath, I am not a violent man. - Sergeant Jackrum, The Monstrous Regiment

നമ്മൾ അനുഭവിച്ചറിഞ്ഞ ഒരു സംഭവം അങ്ങനെ അല്ല സംഭവിച്ചതെന്ന് ആവർത്തിച്ച് കേൾക്കുമ്പോഴും, അല്ലെങ്കിൽ, അങ്ങനെയൊന്നും ഒരിക്കലും സംഭവിച്ചില്ലാ എന്ന് കേൾക്കുമ്പോഴും, തീവ്രമായ മാനസിക വിഷമം നമുക്ക് ഉണ്ടാകാൻ സാധ്യത ഉണ്ട്.

Photo by  Sharon McCutcheon  on  Unsplash Much has been written about biphobia and bi-erasure in recent years, and I think about it every time I go home. This is because in the last five years, I have had to come out to my family at least 10 times. Twice a year, every year, each time I go home. And I'm received with the same exact reactions each time. There's (1) completely ignoring what I just said, and acting like it's nothing to do with them. There's (2) a 3 hour discussion on how bisexuality isn't a real thing because "everyone feels affection towards members of the same gender, and that doesn't make you queer or anything." And (3) you're not bisexual because you've never been with a woman, you just want attention/ to boost your SJW cred. Set aside the fact that I've had crushes on girls exactly as long as I've had crushes on boys (read: since kindergarten.) Set aside the fact that you're not actually "required...

And I cannot stop shouting, because if I do, the threat comes back. I feel as though I have barely held it at bay, with my aggression, and I need to maintain momentum, because if it comes back, then my only recourse would be to end it for good before it ends me.

"I've got anxiety worming its way through my body..."

Written August 30, 2010. The more things change, the more they stay the same.  I want to dedicate this post to all my beautiful, smart and loving girlfriends, who definitely deserve much  much  better than the Losers in Tin Foil that they keep running into. I have a feeling that all the Knights in Shining Armour died out during the Medieval Ages. Damn the Crusades!!! Now all we're left with are these egoistic morons who think They Are. (I swear there is no other way to describe their mentality.) They are God's gift to Womanity. They are the answers to our every prayer. They are what we fasted every Monday since we hit puberty for. Just watch out for that patronizing smile that makes your skin curl. That look in his eyes that says,  "Yes, you're  my  girl. I am your God. Aren't you so lucky? I can't wait till school ends today and I get you on your own." [Note: Yes, I have had ALL OF THE ABOVE lines used on me.] This is where I immortalize th...

"Let Karma take care of it," one of my friends says, before launching into a gory story about how somebody she knew got what was coming to her. I hem and haw in response, not being a great believer in anything that I can't see a logical structure in place for. If it's a Karma thing, then consider me more than happy to be Karma's agent on Earth. Karma might work in mysterious ways, but in my case, there would be no mystery about Her workings. And he did. Yesterday, for the first time, I felt very little anger. In fact, I felt the traitorous, "chuck it" creep into my mind. Briefly. On the positive side, this is a sign that therapy and time are doing their work. On the other hand, that is just bloody depressing. Because the thought that someone should get away with what they've done is... sickening. When someone goes to great trouble to lie, cheat, gaslight and erase history to adapt the narrative towards their own convenient means, simply let...

Crossposted from Feminist Quill; written on September 14, 2015 Title:  Pride Author:  Rachel Vincent Year of Publication:  2009 Series:   Shifters #:   3 Goodreads Rating (Avg.):  4.16 Goodreads Rating (Mine):  3 Warning: Spoilers for Books 1 and 2 Plot Description:  Faythe is now on trial by the Pride for intentionally infecting her ex boyfriend Andrew, and then for killing him to cover up the crime. The trial quickly devolves into a sham front for Pride political machinations, Faythe and her family make a LOT of new enemies, and a new young tabby, Kaci, is introduced. After discovering that she had accidentally infected her ex with a bite while she had been Partially Shifted during sex, Faythe has a showdown with Andrew at the end of  Rogue.  The easy going and amiable guy she used to know is gone, leaving a stray cat turned crazy by scratch fever. Andrew tries to kill her, and she ends up killing him in self defense. Now s...

Written December 24th, 2008. A friend's abusive boyfriend got into her account and pretended to be her, calling our friendship off. Obviously, he didn't relish the fact that he'd been called abusive. This was my immediate response - she messaged the next day to clear things up. She and I continue to be best friends, and that abusive piece of shit has long since become history.  It's good to be reminded that we do win the occasional important battle.  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you handle the ultimate betrayal? I can still not believe that the words I read just five minutes ago were for real. Not a hoax. Not a joke. What happened? Oh, nothing much. Getting serious, do u think it physically possible for a part of your soul to turn against the other and wound it so deeply that u feel crippled, physically and emotionally? That's what just happened. Oh dear. I for...

Originally written, August 17, 2015. Crossposted from here . Title:  Stray Author:  Rachel Vincent Year of Publication:  2007 Series: Shifters #:   1 Goodreads Rating (Avg.):  3.81 Goodreads Rating (Mine): 2 I find this cover disturbing rather than alluring. If you have a strong female protagonist, the least you can do is show her face. SPOILERS Plot Description: Faythe Sanders is a female werecat and a rebel. Her happy go lucky days at college come to an end when it becomes known that there's a rogue werecat out there kidnapping tabbies - female werecats. Faythe's family bring her home to keep her safe, but she ends up running into the kidnappers anyway, leaving it up to her to save herself and her cousin. Despite my Goodreads rating of 2/5, this will not be a Negative Review. There will, however, be a lot of ranting. Brace yourselves, please. Stray  had me extremely conflicted. I think it had something to do with the combination of...

Source: Rawpixel.com Abusive relationships are insidious. No one comes at any sort of relationship thinking, "Well, this is going to be abusive, and I'm going to be okay with that." Instead, it starts out small. Maybe it’s displeasure at something or the other in the early honeymoon days of your relationship. Stuff that makes you think, "Well, I don't really mind giving this up," or, “it’s going to be good for me anyway.” Maybe you find reasons to justify the restriction. So what if you have to inconvenience yourself a little? You're probably in love. Nobody wants to really ruin that by starting a fight. And then it's three years later and you're hyperventilating because you're in the same room. It is very common, when speaking of abusive relationships, to place the onus of change upon the victim. People rarely stop to question the actions of an abusive person, or to take any steps to stop them. Leaving an abusive relatio...

Written on June 21, 2008. Comments in maroon.  Such a good nostalgic song. Kind of how I'm feeling - all nostalgic and VERY DEPRESSED. Seriously, I thought I'd forgotten how to behave well with me family. I guess not. I'm surprising myself. But, whatever. I think the harm's already done. I can't describe just HOW MUCH I'm regretting my high handedness with my family. Seriously. And now they're not giving me a second chance. And I'm still in denial. Try as I might, I can't face the fact that I might have to stay here, and not go back at all. I keep trying to ignore the whole thing, like if I don't think about it, it might go away. I'm sure I do deserve this, er, punishment... But I'm still hoping. 'Cause every prisoner, every orphan, everybody however wicked or unfortunate, has the right to Hope. Faith is a matter of the slightly stronger, but not hope. That's for everyone. And if everyone cared, then...