Boosting My SJW Cred: Coming Out As Bisexual

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Much has been written about biphobia and bi-erasure in recent years, and I think about it every time I go home.

This is because in the last five years, I have had to come out to my family at least 10 times. Twice a year, every year, each time I go home.

And I'm received with the same exact reactions each time. There's (1) completely ignoring what I just said, and acting like it's nothing to do with them. There's (2) a 3 hour discussion on how bisexuality isn't a real thing because "everyone feels affection towards members of the same gender, and that doesn't make you queer or anything." And (3) you're not bisexual because you've never been with a woman, you just want attention/ to boost your SJW cred.

Set aside the fact that I've had crushes on girls exactly as long as I've had crushes on boys (read: since kindergarten.) Set aside the fact that you're not actually "required" to be with a person of the same gender just so you can call yourself bisexual/ lesbian/ queer. Set even aside that the proponent of (3) knows absolutely nothing about my romantic life.

But even (2)'s "everyone feels this way at some point or another" doesn't hold water. It doesn't occur to them perhaps one ought to introspect on those feelings and ask yourself why you felt attracted to a member of the same gender.

In fact the number of times the same family member has accidentally come out to me as bi while trying to prove to me that I'm not is mind-blowing. They even accidentally outed another, more distant family member once, without ever realizing it.

In a way, these conversations were good for me - it gave me a sense of the history of queer relationships in my family, albeit seen through the lens of erasure and stricture. It's good to know I'm not the first.

The worst of it is the sheer violence I feel emanating from the proponent of (3). They carry with them the worst of the homophobia - sheer, crystallized, rooted in past trauma. And they want to speak on behalf of the queer community for some reason, despite not belonging to it. Or rather, despite claiming that they do not belong to it.

"You don't know what queer people go through," they tell me, a queer person. And that sentence, despite all of my reading and understanding, has the effect of instantly alienating me. Of reminding myself that as a bi woman, I am unlikely to face violent homophobia as a matter of course. That as a woman who transgresses no gender norms in her appearance or dressing, I'm unlikely to ever be identified as a queer individual, or attract the hatred and violence that come with it.

And that therefore I do not deserve to claim the queer umbrella for myself.

And I let it go. I read more articles and reiterate my understanding, at least to myself. Because it isn't like anyone else is listening.

And even as my self-exploration expands, even as my definitions of my self, my gender and my sexuality take a hit, I still fail to doubt the bi-phobic crap being spewed around me.