Navigating Solutions and Darkness

I remember when I would hunger for connection, lost in a sea of signals and codes I couldn't interpret, mistakenly taking words at face value that were never meant to be given a second thought. 

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld The first Taylor Swift song I ever heard was when I was in 11th grade -  I'm Only Me When I'm With You. The song didn't mean much, except for having a lovely tune. It was only after I came to college that I truly discovered Taylor Swift. Friday night beneath the stars In a field behind your yard  You and I are paintin' pictures in the sky - I'm only Me When I'm With You, Taylor Swift I have a lot of problems with the singer herself - her yo-yoing on feminism, the appropriation of other identities in her songs... But her songs are often exactly what you need.  The Way I Loved You was a ranty favourite - this one must have seen hundreds of repeat. When you seem to slip through the same kinds of situations over and over again, songs like this tend to come back into relevance. I'm not a fan of the gender normative...

Photo by  Erik-Jan Leusink  on  Unsplash On the fifth day of desperation, inspiration came to me...  And I turned to the Billi for answers. Not either of my billis, mind you - they managed to eat parts of my textbooks in the night, so they've been kicked out of my room. Anyway, the billi was dealing with a problem when I went in, and the minute I saw it I was like, "OMG, hey! I've had this problem so many times!" "You were happy when you were sleeping with Rain. Something that transpired between you seemed sweet and joyful. When your friend tells you to get on Tinder as a  solution , she’s implying that men are interchangeable and some good sex or another connection will help you forget. In other words there was nothing special between you and Rain. But everything is as special as it is ordinary. If it was special to you but not to Rain that does not automatically mean you are stupid or inferior and he is more sophisticated. " - The Billi...

Photo by  Petr Ovralov  on  Unsplash Written December 9, 2016 I am not a gifting person. Years ago, someone suggested I write them something about love as a gift instead. I made many starts, completed nothing. Perhaps happiness doesn't inspire me the way sorrow does. Then last year came the first and only love letter I've ever written. Does it mean more if you write letters? May I? Dearest. When I met you, the only taste I remembered any more was the taste of ashes in my mouth. When I met you, the sun had cracked open, and loss was everywhere.  When I met you, you were a shadow, hidden among shadows, a nervous joke whispered on the winds of my thoughts.  When I met you, I was looking for a friend.  Then I met you, and the sun rose again, whole and healthier than before.  I met you, and the joke turned to undying laughter on my lips.  I met you, and I knew longing again, my soul unable to bear its weight.  I did not know...