Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Cannot for the life of me remember why emotional stability or work in therapy is important. 

Times change. We are not who we were. We are not threatened by the same things anymore. We do not need the techniques of the past - we need new techniques adapted to surviving and thriving in the   present . Sigmund on Unsplash

Today I'm wondering whomst the fuck I have to carry out a blood sacrifice to, just to have back a taste of what's normal again. 

It was pain so unimaginable, I thought I was going to die from it.

She said she thinks I'm "handling it great."  I'm not handling it great. 

How to find out whether you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was as though someone had switched a light on in my head and said, “Stop bothering about other people and come look at this mess here.”

They're not your best friend. They're not your partner. An FP is someone you idolize, someone whose validation you crave, and someone without whom it feels as though you cannot exist. It is someone who wields such absolute control over your emotions that the slightest action on their part could send your emotions careening all over the map.

Over the years, I’ve gotten used to insomnia. It’s a drag, it wrecks my life, wrecks my mind, makes functioning next to impossible and everything looks as though it’s in the upside down.  Over the last three days however, the horror of insomnia has kicked itself up a notch, going from being up all night and finally passing out from exhaustion in the morning, to getting absolutely no sleep whatsoever. Not even feeling sleepy. Focusing on work, studies, writing, even watching of television has become unimaginable. In addition, I’ve never faced something like this before, and I have a sharp pain flashing inside my right temple, and I can’t keep  The Machinist  out of my head.  The idea of working while wrestling insomnia is laughable. The idea of doing anything that can remotely be considered “successful” in a capitalist bent society is, yes, laughable. And when the sheer hellscape that is sleep deprivation is combined with the insanity of lightning swift mo...

At home in a bubble room  Made of broken faces and dying voices  Safe, unharmed, walking the knife's edge  Balancing on a single foot  Blade digging deep  Slipping on the blood/ Holding on  No, I tell a lie The knife lies buried in my abdomen The bubbles fall red-tinged From the whispers of my lips  Don't flirt with danger  But danger is none but folks  Normal/ Passing me on the street  Folks I reach out to touch Eyes wide in disbelief  My fingers pass right through them  My words float past their eyes  I am impossible/ We We are impossible and know it  How can deserving live with the nonexistent? How can a scream change the world  When it dies on its way to my throat  I hunger for your false words  They don't understand why a lie  Would be worth more than nothingness  I hunger for everything that cannot be mine  I weep for what does not exist  I r...

Written October 10, 2010 Deep in the sanctuary of privacy... Hidden away from prying eyes Closing the doors to public eyes Once again I curl up in my bed of needles... Close to the darts that pierce my heart... Those that have nothing to do with the ones on my skin Tired of Destiny's little dance of misery... Seeking sleep and solace But none would come.... The tears roll down my cheeks Sobbing silently, hidden away behind barriers and blockades Trapped in my own silent bubble.... only the shadows to keep me company I feel Them hit the walls, scrabbling to find a way in A way to wake my sorrow... make it a matter of public scorn They call me a witch n hurl abuse They cut off my supplies, I'm all alone They take courage in their multitude... a crowd against the throne Behind my barred windows, I pretend not to hear; I curl up in my bed and cry some more I'm stone hearted and insensitive For not responding to their jeer...

Written almost 2 years to the day (January 2, 2016). Thoughts: Interestingly, I got out of law school. I hate narcissism and navel gazing, I do. I also am  obsessed  with myself - my thoughts, my feelings, and all about how I'm the center of my own universe.  The above sentence is the crux of what I want to talk about, to be honest. Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Are you shy or outgoing? Are you conventional or a non conformist? Well? Do you like parties or not? Intellectual? Fluff pieces only?  Cat or dog person? Likes guys or likes girls? Believe in love? Or do you not?  Want to be a mother? Hate the idea of kids? Are you comfortable in your body? Do you want to be a hot size zero who could wear anything without having to think twice about it? Are you a principled social justice warrior who watches her every word and action just so she can add her little bit to righting the world?  Or are you ...