Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Cannot for the life of me remember why emotional stability or work in therapy is important. 

The despair of the world weighing down on me like five hundred elephants decked in gold and fury.

  A few years ago, I tried my hand at freelance subtitling. I was fresh off a year of subtitling experience and had spent most of that time as the best final QA in my office. Freelance subtitling should have been a breeze. 

Am I a depressive person who occasionally remembers to feel better? Or am I someone functional who occasionally feels depressed?

Times change. We are not who we were. We are not threatened by the same things anymore. We do not need the techniques of the past - we need new techniques adapted to surviving and thriving in the   present . Sigmund on Unsplash

Have you ever tried to think through excruciating pain? Have you ever tried to function normally, whilst carrying with you a severe injury? 

You cannot always be there for someone. It is physically, emotionally, and logistically impossible.

Photo by  Mohamed Nohassi  on  Unsplash Attempting to outrun the inevitable is a horrible feeling. When you know there's no escaping it, when you know your efforts to mitigate the fallout will be laughable at best, how do you summon up the motivation to keep running anyway? Is there even a point? Now, I know I'm supposed to challenge my thinking. I'm probably supposed to point out to myself that I cannot predict what will happen. That simply because it has been inevitable in the past, doesn't mean it will be this time. This time could be different, if only I could put in the requisite effort. That is what therapy seems to be telling me. It's exhausting, holding onto hope like that. The urge to curl up and let the storm take over is far too strong, always. And that's how you end up fighting your instincts, your despair, and your depression, all at once. Is failure surprising, in this scenario? Depression feels inevitable to me - even more so wh...

Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash The emotions press against my skin, threatening to spill over. Pain and confusion dominate, along with a heart-rending need to scream. When will it end, ask the invisible scars constantly opening up along my arms and legs; how much longer, ask the pits that open up behind my eyelids. When, asks the scream, right before it explodes into unending blackness and agony. They don't want to hear the truth, the fact my mind has long since resigned itself to. Never, says my brain softly, hopelessly. Never, I accept, and yet my body continues to rebel in an unending, soundless tantrum. 

"Is it normal to want to slash your arms because the cats chewed up a second pair of earphones in one week?"

If I close my eyes at just the right moment, as my boyfriend is opening his laptop, I can see a Fujitsu logo on the back of it, and imagine for a moment that my old laptop is still alive and well. (It's currently stored in the laptop crypt that is my wardrobe, along with 3 others.) It had to be retired after it literally caught fire in my hostel room. It was my fault. I dropped it too many times, and it was really just held together with spit and broken dreams by that point. I still keep it because I want to get the hard drive out someday. It's probably super screwed by this point, and totally unusable. I left it about 4 years too late, but still I hold out hope. That's because I live in the past a lot. I know at least 50 people queuing up to tell me I shouldn't, and I tell them I don't, I swear I don't, because they would never leave me alone otherwise. And yet that's where I am about 50% of the time, still drowning in the murky waters of bogs I...

August 3, 2010 Not so long ago, there was a mass of ugly, writhing worms hidden under the floorboard. And I used to go out there every now and then, and pull up the floorboard, just for the pain it gave me, to watch those motherfuckers squirm through my thoughts. Apparently creepy wormy thoughts have been replaced by punches to the backbone that knock the wind out of you, and leave a neat line of navy blue potatoes right down your back. Crazy night, I tell you, when you figure out that your name has been changed to Salome. When the fact that its your fault makes you a little happy. Just a little happier. :) You're damn sleepy, and yet you keep your eyes open out of guilt, and because you need to give yourself more cause for guilt. You have music pouring into your ears, and out of your fingers, and all you can think is that you're 3 months too late. You have your best friend telling you about how she felt like killing herself, and you're so numb, you have nothing...

Written October 10, 2010 Deep in the sanctuary of privacy... Hidden away from prying eyes Closing the doors to public eyes Once again I curl up in my bed of needles... Close to the darts that pierce my heart... Those that have nothing to do with the ones on my skin Tired of Destiny's little dance of misery... Seeking sleep and solace But none would come.... The tears roll down my cheeks Sobbing silently, hidden away behind barriers and blockades Trapped in my own silent bubble.... only the shadows to keep me company I feel Them hit the walls, scrabbling to find a way in A way to wake my sorrow... make it a matter of public scorn They call me a witch n hurl abuse They cut off my supplies, I'm all alone They take courage in their multitude... a crowd against the throne Behind my barred windows, I pretend not to hear; I curl up in my bed and cry some more I'm stone hearted and insensitive For not responding to their jeer...

Written April 15, 2009. The latter half of this post makes it extremely important and relevant, methinks.  Hey, what's it like to finally stop short, turn around and face life? To stop pretending and admit that you're through, and you can't handle it anymore? Yeah? What's it like to let your shoulders sag from the burden? What's it like to have to admit that you're wrong and everyone else is right? What's it like to see your dreamworld crash around your ears? To see that the clouds that supported your castle in the air suddenly decided to float away, and then have them come back to rain on your defeat?? What's it like to face a year of disgrace and shame? To spend another 9 months of feeling that you let them all down? To know you brought it all down on yourself? That you got no one and nothing else to blame, try as you might? What do you do when every single atom of sense and security in your life is lying at your feet, as irrevocably broken...

My horse jumps Yet another stile Hooves spraying surf Right into my dreams Tonight So much outside Doesn't seem to touch Me/ though I watch This and a million other  Movies in dream-time Places I knew Just months ago Have lived on Behind my eyes A world or two Captured in memory Growing now Of their own accord I watch the sleep Of a million others And wonder where My pen doth stray My world revolves Despite the line And yet I know I can't leave The Past alone Written on August 29, 2010

Photo by  BRUNO CERVERA  on  Unsplash Corporate life is not meant for those with mental health issues. I panic. I can't deal. I hate people who have high functioning versions of depression or anxiety. How fucking ridiculous is that.  ---  I switched to another tab to look up high functioning and low functioning and completely forgot that I'd written the above paragraph.  Also, I've changed my mind. High functioning doesn't mean what I thought it did. It means someone who's able to maintain a positive profile in their public and professional life, as opposed to someone like me, who's unable to hide it.  [Source]  Perhaps high functioning is even more stressful than low functioning, because it can't be easy to keep up the performance.  Work life needs to be more sensitive to physical and mental health issues. Work life needs to recognize that it's populated by human beings, and not machines. Work life needs to stop rewar...

A bitter note Of regret Hums above in midair As a chord Of spite Is struck My fingers flow Over familiar keys The starkness of the Black and white Pounds out a rhythm In sync with my heart This symphony Has been played before In this concert hall of Pain In this Ancient Gamefield Where the Player Turns played Bringing out the background notes In a requiem of Love This song from my heart Weaves in and out Blending with The tears of souls And a hundred thousand lies It's a lullaby that rocks The babies of the damned It's the pain beneath my skin Lashing out again Written on July 25, 2010