Mobius Strip of Recovery

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Am I a depressive person who occasionally remembers to feel better? Or am I someone functional who occasionally feels depressed?

Cristian Palmer on Unsplash

Am I a depressive person who occasionally remembers to feel better? Or am I someone functional who occasionally feels depressed?

A few years ago I would have had no doubts about this question. I'd have known that I am a depressive person. And not even one that occasionally remembers to feel better. The depression was so overwhelming, so all-encompassing, that getting past it, or living without it, was unimaginable. 

Things have changed now. Years of therapy, years of medication (on and off), have managed to make a dent in almost all aspects of my struggles with mental health. 

And yet there are days when, inexplicably, it all descends back into my mind, with the inexorability of dark fog. Days when I'm suddenly drowning all over again. Days when challenging thought distortions is an exercise in being set up to fail. Days when simply continuing seems absurd beyond words, and I end up sounding like a whining child because I just cannot imagine trying anymore. 

"What's the point?" right? 

I'm almost certain that the answer to my question is the latter - I'm a mostly functional (albeit struggling) person who occasionally feels depressed. But the severity of that occasional depression is so intense it worries me. I worry I'm merely at a crossroads, and that things could really go either way from here. I could, realistically, make it out to ever greener pastures on the other side. Or I could end up where I started - drowning, drowned, and forgotten. 

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