Navigating Solutions and Darkness

  Panic and fear. Too many things. Floating along, lost, unguided. Feeling as though nobody else speaks my language. Feeling as though perhaps I do not speak their language. How can such stupidity make sense to everyone else? Did we not grow up speaking the same language? How are people so willing to be content with ignorance? What stops them from discovering the whole truth before making accusations? How do those accusations make sense? I am not calm. Why did she say I was? I have not changed. Why did she think I have. And if I have changed - is that a good thing? Among snakes like those, isn't it right to be angry, to be flame, to burn everything? No, telling me I am calm doesn't please me. I must be fury. I must be fire. I must destroy everything before it has the chance to destroy me. Panic and fear. Too many decisions. Fear. Fear. Fear. FEAR. I cannot survive. I cannot live. I wish for death. I wish I was dead. I wish everyone was. - Written June 2, 2017 Context Unknown 

The self-doubt is crippling. 

I've often wondered about rock bottom. Would I know when I hit it? The answer is no, because I seem to live there.

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic and she said yes

I told you once, not so long ago, to warn me before you started to run.

Dreams strewn across the carpet of the wronged boy's pride. A few minutes in Time that can never be turned back. It's the close, something very final. 

Photo by  frank mckenna  on  Unsplash Well. I was going through posts from my old blog to add to the "Throwback" series when I came across  bona fide  evidence of cool-girling. You see, as far as I'm concerned, all girls have this one true best friend, the one to whom you say everything, no matter how dirty or disgusting it is. But after that, surviving the whole best friend minefield is a dicey business, I tell you.  Now, no offence to my guy friends, (and any guy readers)-- because I love you guys... but boys are stupid in a lot of ways. They're good with mechanics, and engines, and directions. But at spotting the obvious, at doing the right thing, at following their heart and when it comes to girls, in general, they are idiots. Period.  But however, guys do know how to have fun. In style. Why? My good friend Pavvi has a theory. She thinks its because they just don't care. I think she may have a point there... because after all, guys have...

Photo by  Benjamin Behre  on  Unsplash Written December 14, 2010 Sometimes, weird things run wild. Those days, maybe you handle it. Maybe you don't.  There are some thoughts that aren't even said out loud. Not even to your reflection in the mirror. Saying them out loud would mean a loss of sanctity... it would mean exposing them to the differently structured minds of other people.  They won't understand. They never do. And when you do say it out loud, not even your reflection in the mirror is sympathetic.  Yes, it's time to move on. It's time to take this thing I know, and lock it away in a safe somewhere. And then set that safe on an island and set it adrift on an ocean; peaceful and calm as the glassy lake on a warm summer day. This thing I'm locking away involves a deep set belief grounded in pure Soul. It has a streak of white hot Hope on it, a Hope that's dangerous if set free. It's not the paths we traced to get to here that ...

Photo by  J CS  on  Unsplash All your life, you read about things and think about the things that intrigue you. There are societies, and their rules. If you're not intrigued by these rules, you will accept them, and live by them all your life; never once questioning them. If they're intriguing, you begin to wonder why they were placed there in the first place. Who put them there, and what do they stand to gain?  What happens when you break these rules? I've thought about these rules all my life. They're not always set by an external authoritative figure. Sometimes  they're just there, in your heart. Call it social conditioning or what you will. The further you think about them, and the deeper you question them, the faster they begin to fall apart and disappear.  Once I had established that the rules were gone, I realized that I couldn't afford to follow suit. Sans rules, it was a short drop and a sudden stop; before you know it, you find yo...

Photo by  Bruno Henrique  from  Pexels Written November 30, 2010 The little bird was afraid to fly. All his brothers and sisters had leaped off the ledge and soared upwards, flapping their wings with ease. But he feared the water that lay beneath, swelling hungrily. He feared the wings he had never had to trust before. The little birdie was pushed off his ledge. He had to fly, or he would fall and be swallowed by the hungry waves below.  My Therapist on the Roof told me I had no choice. I'd been pushed off the ledge, so I had damn well fly. The problem is, right now, I don't know whether or not I've forgotten to flap my wings.  I'll start now, before Fear raises its ugly head and roars out loud. It's a scary prospect, which is why I always manage to hold that wolf away. Maybe not this time. Maybe a little scaring is in order.  When you step back and look at the bigger picture, it scares you, because you're reminded that you're not alone. A...

Photo by  Andre Moura  from  Pexels Written August 19, 2013 'Coz I am just a scared quiet child In a cold lonely night And I couldn't explain these tears of mine If I tried a million years And would you make fun of me Would you leave if you saw Would you be angry And fail to understand? 'Coz I'm just a scared quiet child In a cold lonely night And I couldn't be anything else If I tried a million years It's like a cloudburst on a summer night Never stay too long Everything rooted only feels pain Adrift there's only you In the shadow of the moon's face And the dead weight of the past You're the glimmering hope i see When pity twists my heart 'Coz I'm just a scared quiet child In a cold lonely night And if the best i could catch on my sunniest day Is you, I'm good as dead

So many things to talk about in the coming month. Inspiration. Determination. Love, and associated imagery which I never tire of. Silence, Dreams and Fears. Things I did, and will do... and would want to keep doing forever.

He was sweet, and had the cutest smile in the world. It was unbelievable, the way his smile used to light up my world. I used to think about him a lot, and wonder why he never made a move. Because our eyes always said it all.

Written November 16, 2010 Another night with insomnia keeping me company. That and the comfort music thumping a pattern into my addled brain cells. It's funny how Facebook and sleeplessness do these things to you, but I find my thoughts slipping into places they hadn't been to in awhile. I don't really know why I'm surprised, but I've tried to move on. No, really. But I guess I can't kid myself for long. Those things I try to forget, the memories that lie in wait in that locked room, aren't going nowhere. And besides, I did promise. I promised myself that I'd go back there, and pull the covers off, and maybe even do a little bit of dusting. Mostly, I think all I want to do is just sit and bask in the atmosphere of a world I never wanted to leave. Maybe those of you out there who still have what I could never have don't really see the point to it. Maybe you guys don't understand why I flinch every time someone comes out with that ...

Written October 2, 2010  There's something to be said for a remarkable absence of the instinct of self preservation. To the extent that you straddle the fence between safety and danger, and go till that other end of the world, and keep going till you drop off. And when you realize that it really is the last moment, you begin that frantic rush back, clawing your way upward anyway possible. And then there are these places, such as Law School, that naturally tend to trample on the little guy. So if you're a doormat, like me, you're a sitting sucker!!!! But you know what? Screw living on the edge and being stupid on purpose. I apologize for not taking the crap Law School dishes out to all of us... I would, normally. But I don't plan on it. Well, as far as resolutions go, that's a good place to start. There's this general observation I'd like to make again. Blogging Rate is Directly Proportional to Proximity to Exam. And this is true not just of me. Shutter ...

Written on April 18, 2016 The weather's beautiful. In Bangalore, as it is in Kerala. The heat wave woes are over, and the monsoon is officially here. I stepped out for a bit today and it was drizzling the whole time.  Awesome.  Too bad I feel like total crap, especially now that I've been caught up on all of my shows. I'm pretty sure there are things I'm supposed to do, but which I've totally forgotten about.  In the mean time,  Agent Carter 's been cancelled,  Castle's  been cancelled - but not  before  they managed to fire their lead actress...  The Originals  just killed off Cami AND Davina, bringing the number of their lead actresses down to a grand total of 1: Haley.  The Vampire Diaries  managed to establish that Damon thinks Christian Grey Syndrome is a sign of true love and also always the right thing to do... so much that he actually now expects other people (read: Stefan) to follow his lead. Way to d...

Written on July 25, 2017 Corporate life is not meant for those with mental health issues. I panic. I can't deal. I hate people who have high functioning versions of depression or anxiety. How fucking ridiculous is that. --- I switched to another tab to look up high functioning and low functioning and completely forgot that I'd written the above paragraph. Also, I've changed my mind. High functioning doesn't mean what I thought it did. It means someone who's able to maintain a positive profile in their public and professional life, as opposed to someone like me, who's unable to hide it. [Source] Perhaps high functioning is even more stressful than low functioning, because it can't be easy to keep up the performance. Work life needs to be more sensitive to physical and mental health issues. Work life needs to recognize that it's populated by human beings, and not machines. Work life needs to stop rewarding the people who most closely resemble m...

I stand bewildered in the Room of Tapestries, and watch as looms of Fate weave the courses of lives. I wonder if it's worth anything to try and find the lines of my life among the invisible threads that crisscross all around me. Photo by Javid Naderi on Unsplash I settle myself on the floor, cross-legged, and look up at the open sky above. The room has no ceiling, for reasons long since forgotten. Outside, the last glimmers of sunset disappear behind a moss-covered hill. Lady Night spreads her mantle over the sleeping world. The humming in the Room of Tapestries becomes louder, more noticeable. The clack-clack of the many shuttles becomes faster, accelerating the rhythm of twilight into resonance with the night. The threads of a billion fates glitter in the moonlight above me. No longer invisible, they float like eerie insects on jeweled wings. I gaze up and up, till where the walls of the Room blend gently in with the indigo ceiling, studded with stars. A billion wis...

December 19, 2010 It's another evening And me curled up by the fire The firelight reflected in my eyes Flickers and wavers Giving way to strange stories I smile as my eyes glaze over And a hundred years seem to pass The silence suddenly/ Just at my elbow Something curled up in my lap Like a housecat purrs I stroke it absently and smile As I watch the things that never were There's a pain in the centre of my forehead Right over the frown wrinkle I'm asleep with my eyes wide open I'm dead to the world Even as my hands stroke something Absently, that lies curled up in my lap There's something to be said About these things I see When I'm awake and yet asleep A bit of replay here A bit of fantasy there A sliver of wistful thinking And a song long forgotten A face I've seen many times before In a game I used to play when I was a child All mixed up with the tears I shed My pet curled up in my...

Crossposted. Compose date: September 26, 2010 These things happen.   They’re hard, but we get over it. They're called exams, and they come calling twice every trimester. These other things happen. They’re even harder, but get over it I shall. A drama masquerading as love, which tries to get under my skin, but it too shall go. There is truly something to be said about cutting one's nose off to spite one's face. By now, I’m so used to it that I know the nose will grow back. And if it's a really ugly nose, surely it deserves to be cut off! Then there’s fugliness masquerading as dreams.   They creep about my head all night, and as if that weren't enough, come sit on my open notebook when I desperately need to study. There are these voices I hear in my head at night. Well, not really  in  my head, but at least on the other end of the phone. They're called friends, and they're fun to listen to. Oh, and they like to listen too!!! :) They are t...