Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Soon this will feel like a distant dream. Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld Soft as the fabric falls over my skin, I can't help but think this is how it should be - the only way it can be.  Happiness, true happiness, is easily enough captured when you know where to look. And yet a shadow by my side reminds me, forever, that there is more to happiness than simply being happy.  I found my happiness in an ocean of tears, and I was content to drown in it. I found joy in a mirage, laughter in silence, love in the shadow of a grave. I slipped, I fell, I closed my eyes and found what felt true. Hard, cold math comes to my rescue, and I bid it go away. Hie from here, dark fiend, come to burst bubbles and dreams.  Tilt your head back, slip, slip into the spilled wishes. All the how I wishes, flitting from one pool of sunlight to another. How I, How I, How I wish I could fly. How I wish I'd never hurt again. How I w...

Mandaarame - Ohm Shanthi Oshaana Sometimes you come home to find that someone has gone and ruined every single thing for you. And then they've run away, and won't take responsibility, and take to hiding behind little girls. What do you do? How do you recoup losses, or replace damaged property? This song doesn't provide any answers in that department, if that's what you're wondering. It's just an adorable, upbeat song that shouldn't hurt to listen to, but does. The movie itself, Om Shanthi Oshana , is unique for me in that I've probably watched it like 20 times since 2015. When do I ever watch a movie (that isn't Marvel related) more than once, let alone a Malayalam movie? Since Nazriya Nazim, is when. Okay, that's not entirely true - Nivin Pauly is the big draw for me here. (On an unrelated note, does Tovino Thomas look Spanish or something? Asking for a friend.) But what is most important about this film is that it showcases a crush f...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld സ്നേഹതുമ്പി - Snehathumbi, from the movie December This super cheesy song was my anthem when it came to my first big crush. I suppose it was the imagery of two people who know each other as kids growing up to fall in love that did the trick. I really was obsessed with this song for quite a while. The funny thing is, so was Sibnonymous. I don't know who he was crushing on at the time, but we really bonded over the whole thing. Whenever one of us began to sing it, the other would join in. Occasionally we would forget what the song sounded like, and would have to try and remind each other. At the age of 6, all of us began to go for Catechism classes for the first time. Every year, all the batches would put on a show, and our batch was assigned the story of Jairus' daughter. For the uninitiated, Jairus' daughter died of an illness, and Jesus tu...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld The first Taylor Swift song I ever heard was when I was in 11th grade -  I'm Only Me When I'm With You. The song didn't mean much, except for having a lovely tune. It was only after I came to college that I truly discovered Taylor Swift. Friday night beneath the stars In a field behind your yard  You and I are paintin' pictures in the sky - I'm only Me When I'm With You, Taylor Swift I have a lot of problems with the singer herself - her yo-yoing on feminism, the appropriation of other identities in her songs... But her songs are often exactly what you need.  The Way I Loved You was a ranty favourite - this one must have seen hundreds of repeat. When you seem to slip through the same kinds of situations over and over again, songs like this tend to come back into relevance. I'm not a fan of the gender normative...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld 2016 and 2017. Two life changing years for me - two years in which growing up has taken on so much more meaning. Even now, I can practically feel  my brain forcing my personality to change, and my perspectives to shift. In the one sense, these two years have been one fucking awful thing after the next. In the other sense, these are the best two years to have happened to me.  I'm supposed to avoid emotional rollercoasters, but that becomes a little difficult when you consistently wake up from nightmares in tears. These nightmares have little to do with my conscious mind or daily life. And yet, I'd spend the entire day smiling and chilling and generally being productive, only to face the nightmares at night. The very wide gap between what my conscious mind is doing, and what my unconscious mind is doing is rather unnerving.  And yet, "reco...