Navigating Solutions and Darkness

The self-doubt is crippling. 

  Weakness is a cancer.

  A few years ago, I tried my hand at freelance subtitling. I was fresh off a year of subtitling experience and had spent most of that time as the best final QA in my office. Freelance subtitling should have been a breeze. 

Am I a depressive person who occasionally remembers to feel better? Or am I someone functional who occasionally feels depressed?

Times change. We are not who we were. We are not threatened by the same things anymore. We do not need the techniques of the past - we need new techniques adapted to surviving and thriving in the   present . Sigmund on Unsplash

One thing's for certain. It's going to get a little worse before it gets better. And I'd be able to live with that if I could get myself to fully believe that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. That things really are about to start looking up. 

I made a cup of coffee today and it was the hardest thing ever. 

My priority #1 is always whatever is right in front of my face, which is also why my brain thinks writing a blog post about it instead of actually doing those things is the most important thing right now. 

Today I'm wondering whomst the fuck I have to carry out a blood sacrifice to, just to have back a taste of what's normal again. 

Every time I discuss mental health with her, the struggle seems to start from chapter one.

It feels as though I'm drowning inside my own brain. My eyes won't work, my head feels hotter, and I need a cigarette except my lighter won't work. Well, it's been quite a day. 

  Hiding from the intangible dread, the inevitable doom, and the metallic taste of failure in my mouth. 

നമ്മൾ അനുഭവിച്ചറിഞ്ഞ ഒരു സംഭവം അങ്ങനെ അല്ല സംഭവിച്ചതെന്ന് ആവർത്തിച്ച് കേൾക്കുമ്പോഴും, അല്ലെങ്കിൽ, അങ്ങനെയൊന്നും ഒരിക്കലും സംഭവിച്ചില്ലാ എന്ന് കേൾക്കുമ്പോഴും, തീവ്രമായ മാനസിക വിഷമം നമുക്ക് ഉണ്ടാകാൻ സാധ്യത ഉണ്ട്.

I inhale pain. I exhale love.  I embrace my pain. I accept my pain.  I forgive you.

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

The mere thought of trying to find someone else defeats me. Navigating the hell that is mental healthcare worldwide is not something I'm prepared to do right now.

Sometimes, what many of us really need is someone to just listen. Someone we can tell our worst thoughts to, without fear of judgement. Someone who can call us out on our bullshit, if necessary.

Have you ever tried to think through excruciating pain? Have you ever tried to function normally, whilst carrying with you a severe injury? 

You cannot always be there for someone. It is physically, emotionally, and logistically impossible.

It was pain so unimaginable, I thought I was going to die from it.