Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld Chantham Kalindi Nadam - Chess ചന്തം  കാളിന്ദി നാദം  - ചെസ്സ്  I loved this movie when I first saw it. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). This was mostly because I used to be a huge Dileep fan. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). I used to be a huge Dileep fan because I found him extremely funny. (I repeat, I can never be accused of having particularly good taste).  I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was love at first sight for the  Chantham Kalindi song and I. But it was definitely crush at first sight. And then this thing happened at dance class, and my crush developed into a full strength infatuation complete with angry jealousy and fantasies inside my head.  I may have mentioned this before, but I am not a naturally talented dancer. Today, yes, I ...

അവരെ ആദ്യം കണ്ടുമുട്ടിയ നിമിഷം തുടങ്ങിയുള്ള എൻ്റെ സംശയമായിരുന്നു - അവരുടെ പേര് അവർ തന്നെ തിരഞ്ഞെടുത്തതല്ലേ എന്ന്. അറബിക്കഥയിലെ രാജകുമാരികൾക്കുള്ളപോലത്തെ പേര്. ആ പേരിന് ചേർന്ന സൗന്ദര്യവും. നൃത്തം എന്നെ പഠിപ്പിക്കാൻ ശ്രമിച്ച അനേകരിൽ രണ്ടുപേരാണ് കൂടുതലായും ഓർമ്മയിൽ വ്യക്തമാകുന്നത് - ആദ്യത്തെ അധ്യാപകയും, പിന്നെ അവസാനത്തെ അധ്യാപകനും. നൃത്തത്തിന്റെ നൃ പോലും ചെയ്യാൻ സാധിക്കാത്ത ഒരു കുട്ടിയെ സാമാന്യം നല്ല രീതിയിൽ ആടാൻ പഠിപ്പിക്കണമെങ്കിൽ, അതൊരു സാമർഥ്യം തന്നെ. ജീവിതം മുഴുവൻ നീളുന്ന ഒരു യാത്രയുടെ ആദ്യചുവടുകൾ അങ്ങനെയാണ് അനാർക്കലി എന്ന നർത്തകി എനിക്ക് കാണിച്ചു തരാൻ ഇടയായത്. തൃശൂർ ഞങ്ങളുടെ വീടിന്റെ അടുത്തുതന്നെയായിരുന്നു അനാർക്കലി പഠിപ്പിച്ചിരുന്നത്. എല്ലാ ദിവസവും ഒരേ സമയത്ത് എല്ലാവർക്കും ഒരുമിച്ചായിരുന്നു ക്ലാസ്സ് എടുത്തിരുന്നത്. ഏറ്റവും ഇളയ കുട്ടികൾ മുമ്പിലും, മുതിർന്നവർ പിന്നിലും - എല്ലാവരും തട്ടടവ് തുടങ്ങി ചെയ്തിരിക്കണമെന്നത് നിർബന്ധമായിരുന്നു. ഓരോ അടവ് കഴിയുംതോറും അത് വരെ പഠിച്ചിട്ടില്ലാത്തവർ മാറി പോയി ഇരിക്കും. അങ്ങനെ അലാരിപ്പും തോടയവും ഒക്കെ കഴിഞ്ഞ് ഏറ്റവും അവസാനം വലിയ ചേച്ചിമാർ അവരുടെ...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld I was introduced to Massari in high school - probably tenth grade, probably thanks to MTS and MTR, my tuition buddies. (MTR got married a couple of days ago, congrats, girl.) Tuitions were a real eye opener for me, socially speaking. It was my chance in a long time to interact with people outside of my very limited social circle. We weren't really in the habit of googling lyrics back then, except sometimes, so I didn't even understand half of what Massari's singing about for the longest time. And it really doesn't matter - even today, Be Easy  has a beat that makes it impossible to sit still. It is also so deeply coded to memories of that time that it can instantly catapult me back into that time. But Be Easy was always the consolation prize song. The palate cleanser for when you've had too many repeats of Real Love. This song has got ...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld 2016 and 2017. Two life changing years for me - two years in which growing up has taken on so much more meaning. Even now, I can practically feel  my brain forcing my personality to change, and my perspectives to shift. In the one sense, these two years have been one fucking awful thing after the next. In the other sense, these are the best two years to have happened to me.  I'm supposed to avoid emotional rollercoasters, but that becomes a little difficult when you consistently wake up from nightmares in tears. These nightmares have little to do with my conscious mind or daily life. And yet, I'd spend the entire day smiling and chilling and generally being productive, only to face the nightmares at night. The very wide gap between what my conscious mind is doing, and what my unconscious mind is doing is rather unnerving.  And yet, "reco...

Photo by  Drew Hays  on  Unsplash I remember the first time I saw him. I was fifteen. He was dancing, teaching the steps, and his every move was poetry in motion.  I wanted to impress him, wanted to show him I could dance too. And even though the steps were simple and repetitive, it was soon clear to everyone that I was a great dancer.  I wanted to spend every moment staring at him, drinking in his absolutely perfect features. He was so handsome, like the princes you dream about when watching Disney movies, but never actually meet in real life.  He was charming, he was friendly, he popped his collars and wore wraparound shades. There was just one problem - he was nine years older.  I've often said that the only older guy worth dating is the one that isn't interested in you. And he was one of those guys. And much happened in those months that we spent together that convinced me that he might actually like me the way I liked him....