Navigating Solutions and Darkness

 You'll never know just how angry I am Or maybe you do and that's why you're hiding Photo by Kağan

I want  My safe spaces back

Wondering whether we're all doomed to spend our lives in hell.

  I love you.

 "Sometimes, life just sucks."

A while ago I made an alt purely for talking openly about heartbreak and love.  

I inhale pain. I exhale love.  I embrace my pain. I accept my pain.  I forgive you.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

Photo by  Luis Galvez  on  Unsplash Written May 26, 2014 Il y a longtemps que je t'aime Jamais je ne t'oublierai* What are these tendrils of Time  That my little feet trip on ? What are these bumps in the road  That I must stumble into ? Is it not possible to run far away To a place far back beyond Time  Is it not possible to hide somewhere  Forgotten long ago  What are these tears I find  Upon my pillow each night ? Whose face is it I miss That I can now barely recall ? Was it only yesterday That I spoke to you with words breaking  O'er the great bad reef/ My heart Crushing itself inside out ? We're going away now  We're never turning back I'll hitch my wagon to the stars  So I'll never have a choice  I'll not turn back to see  Whether you turned back to see  One last look of confusion  Because that's all this was  A silence made of twisting knives  Buried deep i...

He was sweet, and had the cutest smile in the world. It was unbelievable, the way his smile used to light up my world. I used to think about him a lot, and wonder why he never made a move. Because our eyes always said it all.

You found the things that make a man?" "Yes!" "How did you find out what they were?" The Wintersmith proudly told her about the children, while Tiffany breathed carefully, forcing herself to relax. His logic was very…logical. After all, if a carrot and two pieces of coal can make a heap of snow a snowman, then a big bucket of salts and gases and metal should certainly make him a human. It made…sense. At least, sense to the Wintersmith. "But, you see, you need to know the whole song," said Tiffany. "It is mostly only about what humans are made of. It isn't about what humans are." "There were some things that I could not find," said the Wintersmith. "They made no sense. They had no substance." "Yes," said Tiffany, nodding sadly. "The last three lines, I expect, which are the whole point. I'm really sorry about that." "But I will find them," said the Wintersmith. "I will!" ...

Crossposted. October 1, 2010. Yesterday, you sat beside me as I cried. Today, there's no one to hold me as I cry. And that is how I know you're still alive. Because every minute of my days, you're a hole in the world, floating softly next to me, filling my dreams and fantasies, and all my waking hours. I feel myself giving slowly in to the pressure. An evil imp insists that I take the plunge, but I know that even as I slice into the blue depths of the pool, there will be no water to caress my sore skin, to soothe the aching pain that afflicts me. What can I say, except that you walked away on a moonlit night? That the strange loud music in the background drowned out the sound of my heart breaking. What can I say, except that I had no choice but to break the circle to keep myself sane? Princesses know the duties they owe State and people. Royalty from around the world courts us with gifts unimaginable, with more flowers than our castles can hold, with more l...

Written September 19, 2010 It was so effortless. Before I knew it, my world was spinning in a different direction. It was like my mind and the world around me were moving at different speeds. Things took time to sink in, and by the time they did, they'd faded away already. It took me a while to understand the pain. It took me longer to take that pain and turn it back on the source of it all. It took me a while to learn. And when I did; when the realization finally hit me, it was all I could do to sink down to the floor, and sob my heart out. I cried that night, because things like this happen only so often, and you're so much smarter if you know to grab it while you can. And because you're smarter if you know when to let it go, because you're too late for no fault of your own, and   it doesn't really matter that everything's just right. And why? Because it was the right height, the right smile. The right edge, because there was no q...

Photo by  Jonatán Becerra  on  Unsplash We speak of her from time to time  I hear of her likes, her loves, her cruelties  Not once however Have I heard her name How many suns had to pass Before he forgot how to speak it How many sandstorms fought To erase the way it sounded Falling from his lips? What rivers carved Their way through rock What night fell In a silence that held And failed to end And what is the shadow that remains After they have both passed on  Casting gray 'cross memory's threshold Stark, mute, and nameless

Written August 30, 2010. The more things change, the more they stay the same.  I want to dedicate this post to all my beautiful, smart and loving girlfriends, who definitely deserve much  much  better than the Losers in Tin Foil that they keep running into. I have a feeling that all the Knights in Shining Armour died out during the Medieval Ages. Damn the Crusades!!! Now all we're left with are these egoistic morons who think They Are. (I swear there is no other way to describe their mentality.) They are God's gift to Womanity. They are the answers to our every prayer. They are what we fasted every Monday since we hit puberty for. Just watch out for that patronizing smile that makes your skin curl. That look in his eyes that says,  "Yes, you're  my  girl. I am your God. Aren't you so lucky? I can't wait till school ends today and I get you on your own." [Note: Yes, I have had ALL OF THE ABOVE lines used on me.] This is where I immortalize th...

Written December 12, 2010 Tonight I said goodbye To a dream I saw again Something I once knew A long time ago In another life I could go this distance And yet another one But why then do I find myself Coming back around to this Little town I cherish in my heart I could do a million times Better and the world is mine For the taking so why Does everything feel incomplete Without you around to smile And make me feel so much better Forgive me for not leaving Forgive me for wanting to watch Over you this night And the next and every single Minute of forever Some things I can't help So I will let you hide Somewhere no one can see Someplace to call our own Maybe someday I'll take you there It will be our secret Our hideout, far away from the distance That pulls me into the pain And some nights all I do Is fall asleep in your arms These dreams I say goodbye to Forgive me for turning my back on you The distance calls and I'm succumbing To ...

Written November 27, 2010 Who stands guard over your dreams? Each time you close your eyes Not long ere the night folds her cloak And dissolves into the rays of dawn Who watches over you in her every thought? As late at night you roam the city Immersed in things of small import Leaving no thought astray for the wings That shield you from harm's way Who dreams of you every night? And falls asleep in your arms Who smiles a secret smile at the mere Mention of your name? Who attempts to divine from your words? Your thoughts, your mood, your feelings today Who is the one that yearns to comfort You in her arms as you fight for acceptance Reading from your stubborn brow The pain of rejection you seek to ignore The only one allowed to hurt you She lets false words fall from her lips See in her eyes a deceptive hate Lest your heart freeze in pain or fear For it's the chasm that yawns beneath your feet That bears the brunt of her fury The reason why she runs further each time She feels ...

August 2, 2010 Close your eyes, and feel the wind on your face. The chill in the air, the way your bare toes are getting cramped on the cold stage. But there's no time to think of that... coz the music is on, and it's time to blast your way through the night. Open your eyes and smile, at the smile above a white shirt, below crinkly eyes. Dance to remember... and then dance to forget. The scene shifts and remains the same. Your dress is different, though of the same colour. A colourful scarf can sometimes make all the difference. The music blares, and remains the same. You're watching a crinkly smile from across the quad, and there's a little something burning up within you. Perhaps it's just the rum. Or perhaps it's the countless unmentionable words that suggest themselves to you. Perhaps its the sight of two people dancing, something you only saw because you were looking for it. It doesn't really matter, because there are other lines to ...

The funerals were over, and the last of the mourners had trailed away. They would go home, where food and drinks and lighter conversation awaited them. Catharsis. They all craved it, and laughter seemed the inevitable aftermath of a funeral. They'd wanted her to come with them, had wanted to hang around with her, anxious, sensitive to the fact that her pain were greater than anything they could feel. She'd wanted to stay, she'd wanted to be alone. Catharsis seemed too unrealistic a goal right now. She closed her eyes, plugged her headphones in and sat cross legged, leaning against the cemetery wall. Far enough away from the graves that distance would be felt, but still close - too close. It was hard to say how much time had passed - certainly the song had played itself in its loop quite a few times - when she felt something scuttle across her fingers. She hated insects. Wasn't used to them, hadn't grown up with them, was creeped out by most of them. She wait...

Written September 25, 2010 I shiver in the sunlight On a warm summer day I laugh at the funeral Of another dream I've jumped into this pond Another million times today And the gold at the bottom Mocks, shining up at me It's a fool's love It's a crazy whisper That passes on the wind It's a clown's love It's just a little girl Reaching up to the sky The moon is always Out of reach The stars are shining brightly But too far away I struck gold In a pot luck At the other end Of the rainbow But there was a stupid little bird Singing an annoying little song... It's a fool's love It's a crazy whisper That passes on the wind It's a clown's love It's just a little girl Reaching up to the sky I'm still lost in the woods If that's what you wanna know I dunno if I'm going out Or still going in At the neck of the woods You see a love bite on a tree...