Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Wondering whether we're all doomed to spend our lives in hell.

Photo by  Wellington Cunha  from  Pexels For almost a decade of crushing on girls, I didn't even know that homosexuality was a thing - let alone bisexuality. Even when I found out about homosexuality, of one thing I was sure - that wasn't me. I wondered though - I wondered who I might know that might be. And I thought about the older, attractive girls I admired. The ones who had a reputation for disregarding social norms and conservative school rules about segregating boys and girls. The ones I so desperately wanted to be... but never to be with. Right? I thought about them and concluded that perhaps they might do these strange things with each other - make out with each other the way guys and girls were supposed to do. I tried to imagine it, and experienced a thrill, and came away even surer than before: That that's not me. That's just not me. It was only when I found myself hanging around a schoolmate's classroom, hoping to catch even the slightes...

Written December 12, 2010 Tonight I said goodbye To a dream I saw again Something I once knew A long time ago In another life I could go this distance And yet another one But why then do I find myself Coming back around to this Little town I cherish in my heart I could do a million times Better and the world is mine For the taking so why Does everything feel incomplete Without you around to smile And make me feel so much better Forgive me for not leaving Forgive me for wanting to watch Over you this night And the next and every single Minute of forever Some things I can't help So I will let you hide Somewhere no one can see Someplace to call our own Maybe someday I'll take you there It will be our secret Our hideout, far away from the distance That pulls me into the pain And some nights all I do Is fall asleep in your arms These dreams I say goodbye to Forgive me for turning my back on you The distance calls and I'm succumbing To ...

Written November 27, 2010 Who stands guard over your dreams? Each time you close your eyes Not long ere the night folds her cloak And dissolves into the rays of dawn Who watches over you in her every thought? As late at night you roam the city Immersed in things of small import Leaving no thought astray for the wings That shield you from harm's way Who dreams of you every night? And falls asleep in your arms Who smiles a secret smile at the mere Mention of your name? Who attempts to divine from your words? Your thoughts, your mood, your feelings today Who is the one that yearns to comfort You in her arms as you fight for acceptance Reading from your stubborn brow The pain of rejection you seek to ignore The only one allowed to hurt you She lets false words fall from her lips See in her eyes a deceptive hate Lest your heart freeze in pain or fear For it's the chasm that yawns beneath your feet That bears the brunt of her fury The reason why she runs further each time She feels ...

Written September 25, 2010 I shiver in the sunlight On a warm summer day I laugh at the funeral Of another dream I've jumped into this pond Another million times today And the gold at the bottom Mocks, shining up at me It's a fool's love It's a crazy whisper That passes on the wind It's a clown's love It's just a little girl Reaching up to the sky The moon is always Out of reach The stars are shining brightly But too far away I struck gold In a pot luck At the other end Of the rainbow But there was a stupid little bird Singing an annoying little song... It's a fool's love It's a crazy whisper That passes on the wind It's a clown's love It's just a little girl Reaching up to the sky I'm still lost in the woods If that's what you wanna know I dunno if I'm going out Or still going in At the neck of the woods You see a love bite on a tree...

The rain is at my window As I collapse, lifeless As sleep and comfy pillows Take over For an hour or two A dreamworld snatched From heady reality On a cliff The wind at my back I'm running down And to the beach Your figure I spy With your back to mine The years I searched Pass before my eyes I reach this point That brings to an end The tireless quest The tears and sighs You turn around And I run Into your embrace The feel of your fingers Running through my hair I look up into your eyes And smile You have no face I wake up My bed soaked in sweat The nightmare ends But the quest runs on Written September 12, 2010

Written September 11, 2010. Yesterday As I set off Back down the path That leads to sleep And comfy pillows I was tempted To turn around Look back, maybe For it was well past The witching hour Who knows What I might have found Who knows What expression I might have caught On your face, offguard Was it merely the dream Of the late hour The magic that hung Deliberate, in the air Has made me hungry again Hungry for Hope Something that makes me want To reopen the wound So recently healed I'm more sensible Than witching hours and magic This I'll have you know That's why I headed straight down That road that lead To sleep and comfy pillows

Written September 7, 2010 Tapping into reserves Of emotion yet unleashed My pen sets out On its solitary tale The laughter in the wings The screams from last night Resound in my head As I stare into The unforgiving glare S ome things  lurk in the shadow O thers  prowl the daylight hours But if my dreams Are anything to go by I'd rather walk the shadows  by myself Than turn around And face the heat So I'm dancing by myself Swaying with the crowd Wishing for the hands That should come and hold me close I'm walking down This road again As my shadow holds my hand Tonight I wish On a wishing star And try to hide the pain Some things can't be hurried There's no point to running But the tiny ray of Hope That keeps me going Shines like the star In the Northern Quarter In a velvet sky From long ago And every time I round a corner I remind myself to smile For who knows but t...

Photo by  Arian Darvishi  on  Unsplash "You know you have lost your springtime girl, your Molly on the beach with the wind in her brown hair and red cloak. You have been gone too long from her, and too much has befallen you both. And what you loved, what both of you truly loved, was not each other. It was the time of your life. It was the spring of your years, and life running strong in you, and war on your doorstep and your strong, perfect bodies. Look back, in truth. You will find you recall fully as many quarrels and tears as you do lovemaking and kisses. Fitz. Be wise. Let her go, and keep those memories intact. Save what you can of her, and let her keep what she can of the wild and daring boy she loved. Because both he and that merry little miss are no more than memories anymore.” She shook her head. “No more than memories.” “You are wrong!” I shouted furiously. “You are wrong!” - Assassin's Quest, Robin Hobb

Photo by  Erik-Jan Leusink  on  Unsplash On the fifth day of desperation, inspiration came to me...  And I turned to the Billi for answers. Not either of my billis, mind you - they managed to eat parts of my textbooks in the night, so they've been kicked out of my room. Anyway, the billi was dealing with a problem when I went in, and the minute I saw it I was like, "OMG, hey! I've had this problem so many times!" "You were happy when you were sleeping with Rain. Something that transpired between you seemed sweet and joyful. When your friend tells you to get on Tinder as a  solution , she’s implying that men are interchangeable and some good sex or another connection will help you forget. In other words there was nothing special between you and Rain. But everything is as special as it is ordinary. If it was special to you but not to Rain that does not automatically mean you are stupid or inferior and he is more sophisticated. " - The Billi...

Photo by  Petr Ovralov  on  Unsplash Written December 9, 2016 I am not a gifting person. Years ago, someone suggested I write them something about love as a gift instead. I made many starts, completed nothing. Perhaps happiness doesn't inspire me the way sorrow does. Then last year came the first and only love letter I've ever written. Does it mean more if you write letters? May I? Dearest. When I met you, the only taste I remembered any more was the taste of ashes in my mouth. When I met you, the sun had cracked open, and loss was everywhere.  When I met you, you were a shadow, hidden among shadows, a nervous joke whispered on the winds of my thoughts.  When I met you, I was looking for a friend.  Then I met you, and the sun rose again, whole and healthier than before.  I met you, and the joke turned to undying laughter on my lips.  I met you, and I knew longing again, my soul unable to bear its weight.  I did not know...

Photo by  Matt Duncan  on  Unsplash The paths we tread  Are many, my son Tread with care Lest your feet wear out I hold your hand And hold you back Lest you should see What you must not A thousand miles My path takes me A thousand things I laugh to scorn And yet your face Shines in my dreams And all my waking Hours of regret The dirt on my fingers Cannot be washed away By a simple kiss From a You Who Care But I'll bear in mind When I come back for you Just to see you smile And accept my apology Written on August 29, 2010

Photo by  Luke Stackpoole  on  Unsplash Why is it That there's something In the air That I can't quite put my finger on Why is it That my lips clench Over whatever thought Is rattling the bars of my mind Tonight/ Desperate, wanting out Why is it that I have to smile Why is it that I can't say no Why is it that I couldn't remember And why is it that the memories come Rushing back tonight? Why is it that Some things are just Too crazy to be believable Too crazy to be true But just the right kind of crazy To have happened And forgotten - Written on August 4, 2010

Photo by  Drew Hays  on  Unsplash I remember the first time I saw him. I was fifteen. He was dancing, teaching the steps, and his every move was poetry in motion.  I wanted to impress him, wanted to show him I could dance too. And even though the steps were simple and repetitive, it was soon clear to everyone that I was a great dancer.  I wanted to spend every moment staring at him, drinking in his absolutely perfect features. He was so handsome, like the princes you dream about when watching Disney movies, but never actually meet in real life.  He was charming, he was friendly, he popped his collars and wore wraparound shades. There was just one problem - he was nine years older.  I've often said that the only older guy worth dating is the one that isn't interested in you. And he was one of those guys. And much happened in those months that we spent together that convinced me that he might actually like me the way I liked him....

Nothing goes as planned Everything will break People say goodbye In their own special way All that you rely on And all that you can fake Will leave you in the morning But find you in the day Oh, you're in my veins And I cannot get you out Oh, you're all I taste At night inside of my mouth Oh, you run away 'Cause I am not what you found Oh, you're in my veins And I cannot get you out Everything will change Nothing stays the same Nobody here's perfect Oh, but everyone's to blame Oh, all that you rely on And all that you can save Will leave you in the morning And find you in the day Oh, you're in my veins And I cannot get you out Oh, you're all I taste At night inside of my mouth Oh, you run away 'Cause I am not what you found Oh, you're in my veins And I cannot get you out (No, I cannot get you out) (No, I cannot get you) (Oh no, I cannot get you out) (No, I ca...

Photo by  Alex Montes  from  Pexels There are nights When the dart board On the wall/ laughs At me/ in a crazy way And the whole damn world Turns upside down There are nights When ghosts from long Long ago/ Come back for A chat/ A cuppa perhaps Nights when my phone rings And is never picked up Nights when we're walking Down that road again And you grab my hand And hold it tight Nights when I wonder Why I didn't cross the line When I wonder why I always come too late The line's already drawn There are nights When the thread slips Out of one hand Into the other Nights when you can't help But smile because You've done it right Why doesn't she agree? Why sulk around, I wonder When all's well That ends well Why does my princess alone cry She wants to be first She'd do it all again She'd ...

Photo by  Muhd Asyraaf  on  Unsplash I need to smile And take the dive I need to turn away From the future I saw as clear as day I need to learn To laugh again To lose myself In this brand new rain I fight these gusts That crash against the mountains That make for new sailing Into the deep navy blue Into the locker of Davey Jones Dreams I once forced To fade away Come visit me now In the twilight hours When I'm away, just far away There's something I once knew Something I forgot but had to let you know To keep a promise And honour something I didn't know I wouldn't need it So far away from home So I'm stepping back On deck; I'm leaving Floating away on the waves of Time Riding yet another wave Knowing there's yet more to come - Written on July 30, 2010

Photo by  Alice Alinari  on  Unsplash Nymeria was lithe of figure and enigmatic. Enigmatic to me, despite how hard I tried to understand her. Perhaps she did not seem that way to anyone else - perhaps they did not attempt to understand her the way I did. It has often seemed to me that the people in that place were content to stick labels on their fellows and leave it at that. There was little introspection, and no one wondered whether they'd made the right assessment.  Perhaps nobody cared enough to do that for anyone else. Perhaps it wasn't right to care. I do not know. As the years pass, my understanding of that place diminishes rather than grows, and I too become content to stick labels and forget all about it. Nymeria was light to me in a dark place. I loved her - I know that now. Perhaps I grew jealous - of her female friends, certainly. Male friends she had few.  The Nymeria I saw was strong, even headstrong. She thought deeply, she liked...

A bitter note Of regret Hums above in midair As a chord Of spite Is struck My fingers flow Over familiar keys The starkness of the Black and white Pounds out a rhythm In sync with my heart This symphony Has been played before In this concert hall of Pain In this Ancient Gamefield Where the Player Turns played Bringing out the background notes In a requiem of Love This song from my heart Weaves in and out Blending with The tears of souls And a hundred thousand lies It's a lullaby that rocks The babies of the damned It's the pain beneath my skin Lashing out again Written on July 25, 2010