Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Today I'm wondering whomst the fuck I have to carry out a blood sacrifice to, just to have back a taste of what's normal again. 

Every time I discuss mental health with her, the struggle seems to start from chapter one.

It feels as though I'm drowning inside my own brain. My eyes won't work, my head feels hotter, and I need a cigarette except my lighter won't work. Well, it's been quite a day. 

  Hiding from the intangible dread, the inevitable doom, and the metallic taste of failure in my mouth. 

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

The mere thought of trying to find someone else defeats me. Navigating the hell that is mental healthcare worldwide is not something I'm prepared to do right now.

Sometimes, what many of us really need is someone to just listen. Someone we can tell our worst thoughts to, without fear of judgement. Someone who can call us out on our bullshit, if necessary.

Have you ever tried to think through excruciating pain? Have you ever tried to function normally, whilst carrying with you a severe injury? 

You cannot always be there for someone. It is physically, emotionally, and logistically impossible.

It was pain so unimaginable, I thought I was going to die from it.

She said she thinks I'm "handling it great."  I'm not handling it great. 

How to find out whether you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was as though someone had switched a light on in my head and said, “Stop bothering about other people and come look at this mess here.”

"I've got anxiety worming its way through my body..."

If I close my eyes at just the right moment, as my boyfriend is opening his laptop, I can see a Fujitsu logo on the back of it, and imagine for a moment that my old laptop is still alive and well. (It's currently stored in the laptop crypt that is my wardrobe, along with 3 others.) It had to be retired after it literally caught fire in my hostel room. It was my fault. I dropped it too many times, and it was really just held together with spit and broken dreams by that point. I still keep it because I want to get the hard drive out someday. It's probably super screwed by this point, and totally unusable. I left it about 4 years too late, but still I hold out hope. That's because I live in the past a lot. I know at least 50 people queuing up to tell me I shouldn't, and I tell them I don't, I swear I don't, because they would never leave me alone otherwise. And yet that's where I am about 50% of the time, still drowning in the murky waters of bogs I...

They're not your best friend. They're not your partner. An FP is someone you idolize, someone whose validation you crave, and someone without whom it feels as though you cannot exist. It is someone who wields such absolute control over your emotions that the slightest action on their part could send your emotions careening all over the map.

Written June 4, 2017, at Feminist Quill Title: The Fiery Heart Author:  Richelle Mead Year of Publication:  2013 Series: Bloodlines #: 4 Goodreads Rating (Avg.): 4.41 Goodreads Rating (Mine):  4 Spoiler Alert Plot Description:  As Sydney's sister Zoe is assigned as her partner on the Palm Springs assignment, Sydney finds her instinct to bond with her sister warring with her need to keep her new relationship with Adrian a secret. She continues to work towards finding a magical means of breaking the bond of compulsion used by the Alchemists on all their agents, and must keep from making any mistakes that might end with her sent back to Alchemist 're-education'. Although Mead meant for this series to have two narrators from the start, The Fiery Heart  is the first book to actually implement that plan. The first chapter takes place from Adrian's POV, and the POVs alternate between the two protagonists after that. For someone who'...

Over the years, I’ve gotten used to insomnia. It’s a drag, it wrecks my life, wrecks my mind, makes functioning next to impossible and everything looks as though it’s in the upside down.  Over the last three days however, the horror of insomnia has kicked itself up a notch, going from being up all night and finally passing out from exhaustion in the morning, to getting absolutely no sleep whatsoever. Not even feeling sleepy. Focusing on work, studies, writing, even watching of television has become unimaginable. In addition, I’ve never faced something like this before, and I have a sharp pain flashing inside my right temple, and I can’t keep  The Machinist  out of my head.  The idea of working while wrestling insomnia is laughable. The idea of doing anything that can remotely be considered “successful” in a capitalist bent society is, yes, laughable. And when the sheer hellscape that is sleep deprivation is combined with the insanity of lightning swift mo...

Photo by  BRUNO CERVERA  on  Unsplash Corporate life is not meant for those with mental health issues. I panic. I can't deal. I hate people who have high functioning versions of depression or anxiety. How fucking ridiculous is that.  ---  I switched to another tab to look up high functioning and low functioning and completely forgot that I'd written the above paragraph.  Also, I've changed my mind. High functioning doesn't mean what I thought it did. It means someone who's able to maintain a positive profile in their public and professional life, as opposed to someone like me, who's unable to hide it.  [Source]  Perhaps high functioning is even more stressful than low functioning, because it can't be easy to keep up the performance.  Work life needs to be more sensitive to physical and mental health issues. Work life needs to recognize that it's populated by human beings, and not machines. Work life needs to stop rewar...

Photo by  Timothy L Brock  on  Unsplash The argument that suicide is selfish is a selfish argument.