Stop Drowning Now: How to Know if You Have ADD/ ADHD

It feels as though I'm drowning inside my own brain. My eyes won't work, my head feels hotter, and I need a cigarette except my lighter won't work. Well, it's been quite a day. 

Photo by Nate Neelson on Unsplash

It feels as though I'm drowning inside my own brain. Simultaneously, I want to be productive about work (even though I'm on leave) and productive about my exams (which may be getting postponed). I also want to be on top of my housework (completely neglected) and I really, really, want to get myself some help.

What kind of help?

I don't know. Anything that will stop the endless screaming from my brain. I don't know what it wants. I don't know how I can help it. I wish, I wish I knew.

Ok, so Google it.

I have! Google isn't helping! And DuckDuckGo keeps getting in my way.

After endlessly thinking and worrying about it, I finally decided to ask my therapist for help. (Who better?) So I've sent an email asking if we can discuss ADD/ ADHD in our next session. And I've been as self-deprecating as possible because therapists and doctors don't like it when you self-diagnose.

She's not kidding. They get very mean about it.

Yep.

Well, as it turns out, there are some links between BPD and ADHD/ ADD. Significantly, there are some overlapping symptoms, so that one of them can end up obscuring the other. In even more good news, BPD is apparently the personality disorder most likely to co-occur with ADHD in women.

So, do you have ADD/ ADHD?

This is a question that has been plaguing me for 4 years. Growing up, ADHD was something that happened to other people - specifically my childhood best friend, who is still the only person I know who has been diagnosed with it. It was, in my mother's opinion, a Great Tragedy™ that befell his parents, who have Very Bravely™ Done The Best They Could™.

Self-diagnosis checklists online have been only somewhat helpful - they say I have a high chance of being diagnosed with it, but it's just not conclusive.

And it doesn't help that I don't always feel overstimulated or overwhelmed. This mostly seems to happen when stress and anxiety are at peak levels. Or maybe I only notice it during those times, and for the rest of it, my existing methods "work."

Clearly, there's a lot of self-doubt and confusion that I'm hoping my therapist can help clear up a little.

In the extreme, some women with ADHD tend to isolate themselves, unwilling to expose their self-perceived deficiencies. (Source)

How Can I Have ADHD When I Was Never Hyperactive? 

A very insightful moment was when I came across reports that said girls have likely been underdiagnosed during their childhood years because a lot of them simply weren't exhibiting the same symptoms as boys. As it turns out, your socialization can really influence the way your mental health is expressed. (Who knew?) And since girls are socialized to be quiet and well-behaved, and boys are typically encouraged to be boisterous, all the boisterous boys who had ADHD were able to get diagnosed.

Interesting. That meant I wasn't out of the race, yet. I could have ADD, minus the Hyperactivity. Or maybe my hyperactivity just displayed itself differently.

(#throwback to the time I really couldn't stop compulsively and constantly shaking my leg, whether I was sitting down or standing up. It took a solid year or so of teasing and scolding from my parents to get that under control.)

Overstimulated? Me?

I spent the day avoiding my laptop because it was giving me anxiety. I finally opened it to Get Some Shit Done™ and was immediately overrun by all the tabs, documents and emails calling out to me.

Remember why you're here! Do the thing you came to do!!!

My brain is yelling at me to stay on task, while also simultaneously realizing that this is not a normal or great way to feel and that something needs to be done about it. So obviously it branches out on a side-quest to identify this feeling and the best way to fix it. So now I need to do the thing I came to do, and I've somehow also opened another tab and started searching for links on ADHD and these two timelines cannot coexist. Meanwhile, 12 other high priority problems are skidding to a halt right behind these two. And so the world ended. 

Well, not quite. My brain crashed. And I had to reboot it and re-introduce it to a single priority in order to be able to get things done. 

Once that was over, I could settle down and do some reading. Except the words are now hazy and I don't want to read them, I just want to keep scrolling down the page and feel like I'm learning something. 

My eyes won't work, my head feels hotter, and I need a cigarette except my lighter won't work. Well, it's been quite a day. 

Symptoms of ADD/ ADHD*

*In Adult Women 

1. Do you feel overwhelmed in stores, at the office, or at parties? Is it impossible for you to shut out sounds and distractions that don’t bother others? 
   No-oo? Well, sometimes.
2. Is time, money, paper, or “stuff” dominating your life and hampering your ability to achieve your goals?
   I'd say so. (This is an oddly vague question. What is "stuff"? *Gestures vaguely at everything*)
3. Do you often shut down in the middle of the day, feeling assaulted? Do requests for “one more thing” put you over the top emotionally?
   Oh, yep, yep, YEP. 
4. Are you spending most of your time coping, looking for things, catching up, or covering up? Do you avoid people because of this?
   Yes to all of the above.
5. Have you stopped having people over to your house because you’re ashamed of the mess?
   This has happened in the past. After some time, it led to a phase where I'd start obsessively mopping the floor as soon as someone came by. It's much better when I'm living in a bigger house where the mess isn't as noticeable. 
6. Do you have trouble balancing your checkbook?
   Don't have one. But yes, my finances incomprehensible to me a lot of the time. I just... try not to think about it. And keep in mind a vague idea of what I have, and what I'm spending, and as long as those numbers aren't too close together we're good. Right?  
7. Do you often feel as if life is out of control, and that it’s impossible to meet demands?
   Who among us doesn't? Do better, random site. 
8. Do you feel like you’re always at one end of a deregulated activity spectrum — either a couch potato or a tornado?
   I plead the Fifth. J/K, yes, this is exactly how I feel. 
9. Do you feel that you have better ideas than other people but are unable to organize them or act on them?
   Yes.
10. Do you start each day determined to get organized, and end each day feeling defeated?
    *sigh* Yeah. 
11. Have you watched others of equal intelligence and education pass you by?
    Yep.
12. Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals?
    Starting to feel attacked now. 
13. Have you ever been thought of as selfish because you don’t write thank-you notes or send birthday cards?
    This is a whole other can of worms though... I used to remember birthdays obsessively, finally decided it was a weird and creepy habit, and then... just... forgot them all. 
    THEM ALL.
14. Are you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives?
    Ya, ya, ya.
15. Are you called “a slob” or “spacey?” Are you “passing for normal?” Do you feel as if you are an impostor?
    Yes, except for the "spacey" part. But, you know, a lot of that can also be explained by depression/ BPD.
16. Is all your time and energy taken up with coping, staying organized, and holding it together, with no time for fun or relaxation?
    Sure feels like it. 

While we’re inattentive to some social cues, droning on while the listener checks her watch and mutters, “Gotta go…,” we can also use our constant scanning ability to gather cues that others don’t get, coming up with intuitive insights and responses. The problem is, sometimes we can’t stop ourselves from blurting out our thoughts. - The paradoxical observational abilities associated with ADHD 

Introspecting

I scored 58/72 on this test, and the disclaimer at the bottom says if you score between 54-72 you should see a professional and ask for their opinion. If you're wondering the same thing, you can take this test here.

I also took the Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale Symptom Checklist (ASRS-vI.I) available here, and which is recommended by the WHO to help with ADHD diagnosis. Once again, 5 out of 6 questions in Part A fall into the "darkly shaded" boxes in the questionnaire, where the minimum that shows a high chance of being diagnosed with ADHD is 4.

You know what this means.

Yes, it means I'll have to follow this up seriously with my therapist/ doctor and also start looking into what will help me when it comes to managing all of this. Just one more thing to have to keep in mind - in a mind that already feels dangerously overbalanced with things to remember.