How to Conquer Anger and Bathe in Humiliation

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team
Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

Photo by Johnny Wang on Unsplash

I wish I had a foolproof solution; something sure to help defy the anger. I wish I was better at thinking on my feet when the fury hits. I wish I had a more zoomed-out perspective, so I can see past the present, and to all the consequences of all the different courses of action I could possibly take. 

Everything is better when we stick together
Some have said you and I are gonna win forever?
Let's party forever
We're the same unlike you, you're like me we're all working in harmony

Maybe that's the only silver lining to come of these attacks. That I get to do it over and over until I learn how to find my ground. Because it's been getting better. 

Take last night, for example. The initial jolt of anger was as painful as ever. It felt like hot lava rushing into my lungs in one fell swoop. My vision got blurry. I forgot how to breathe. Hyperfocused on just the one single thing in front of me, that was pissing me off. 

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team
Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

My mind felt untethered from everything that made me, me. Just a headless cursor floating across an empty screen. Aimless, erratic, desperately searching for something to click on. Anything to get away from the awful pain. 

I didn't move. I didn't click on anything. I know from experience that allowing myself to act while I felt this way leads to nothing good. It's hard - hell, it's practically impossible to just sit there. Unmoving. Unable to escape the fire in my lungs. Unable to see anything clearly. A single, new, thought frozen inside my head:

Was it always going to be this way? 

Woo! Three, two, one, go!
Have you heard the news? Everyone's talkin'
Life is good 'cause everything awesome
Lost my job, there's a new opportunity
More free time for my awesome community
I feel more awesome than an awesome possum
Dip my body in chocolate frostin'
Three years later wash off the frostin'
Smellin' like a blossom, everything is awesome
Stepped in mud, got new brown shoes

It's awesome to win and it's awesome to lose

With the greatest difficulty, I inhaled. 

And then, I exhaled. 

Letting go of the rage in this way is possible - it's symbolic, and has great mental persuasive power over your unconscious brain. In the act of breathing out, your body is already expelling carbon dioxide. It's easy to let an emotional burden hitch a ride along with it. 

Everything is better when we stick together
Side by side, you and I gonna win forever?
Let's party forever
We're the same unlike you, you're like me we're all working in harmony

But it's not easy to let go. For me, that's because as soon as I let the anger go, weakness fills the vacuum it leaves behind. And I mean physical weakness. Pure fatigue filling every cell in my body. I can literally feel myself get heavier - closer to dead weight. Even maintaining the same posture becomes difficult. 

Nobody wants to feel weak. Nobody wants to face the ugly truth. It's easier for me to hide behind my (extremely well-justified) rage. 

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team
Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

So what helped me let go last night? Only the most intimidating, challenging concept therapy has ever presented me with: acceptance. 

Howww? I'd howl, when told to accept that things were the way they are. How can I just accept this most horrible thing, this thing which is responsible for everything negative in my life? How can I sit tight and look the other way when I was wronged so terribly? Must I just be a doormat? Let anybody do anything, and be silent? 

Well, no. There's no need to look the other way. I'm not saying that people who do horrible things must just be left alone to continue doing horrible things, without ever proffering an apology or amends of any sort. 

"Psychologically speaking, vengeance rarely brings the catharsis we hope for."  

- Harley Quinn, Birds of Prey 

What I'm saying is that our priority still needs to be ourselves, not our rage. What's the best thing for me? Seething in anger and having my emotions bounce off the walls every single time some jerk-off does some unbelievably stupid nonsense? Or being able to sail through their crap calmly, and think up some way to trip them up when I have more perspective? 

Blue skies, bouncy springs, we just named a few awesome things
A Nobel prize, a piece of string
You know what's awesome? Everything!

But acceptance is easier said than done. There's a reason it's the final stage in the five stages of grief. In fact, as a psychologist pointed out today, even the five stages are processed non-linearly, which I think means you can regress even after you hit acceptance. Which sucks, but it is what it is. 

Check out the full thread - it's pretty helpful. Source: @bazzapower on Twitter

Acceptance means having to look that ugly truth in the face, and know that there is nothing you can do about it now. What's done is done - you cannot prevent the past. You cannot stop morons from doing moronic (or criminal) things. Time is a flat circle, as far as we're concerned. 

So face it - face it with such intensity that your worst fears come true. For I fear that when I look the truth in the eye, my what-ifs will wither away. (And they did.) That the stories I revolve constantly inside my mind, about the things I'd do differently if I had a second chance, would become meaningless. (And they did.) 

And I inhaled. 

And then I exhaled. 

And with it I watched all those thoughts become meaningless and wither away. It hurts like a fucking bitch, to face the full brunt of the humiliation and the hurt head-on. But last night, I had the fucking strength to do it. So I did. 

Dogs with fleas, allergies
A book of Greek antiquities
Brand new pants, a very old vest
Awesome items are the best

It took three full years of actively trying to get there, but I finally did. Even if only for a few moments. Even if I regress tomorrow, it was still worth it. Because now I know it can be done. By me. I got there once, and I'll get there again. Next time, I'll stay there longer. 

Trees, (frogs), clogs, they're awesome
Rocks, clocks, and socks, they're awesome
Figs, and jigs, and twigs, that's awesome
Everything you see or think or say is awesome

It's not like everything is awesome. The pit in my stomach takes a long time to dissolve. That's physical, the result of the hormones my brain released to combat an imaginary fight-or-flight situation. But there's nothing to fight, and nothing to flee from, and the longer I keep reminding myself of that, the easier it becomes to breathe through the pain. 

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team
Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

Everything is Awesome

The Lego Movie OST - Teegan And Sara ft. The Lonely Island