Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Soon this will feel like a distant dream. Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld Soft as the fabric falls over my skin, I can't help but think this is how it should be - the only way it can be.  Happiness, true happiness, is easily enough captured when you know where to look. And yet a shadow by my side reminds me, forever, that there is more to happiness than simply being happy.  I found my happiness in an ocean of tears, and I was content to drown in it. I found joy in a mirage, laughter in silence, love in the shadow of a grave. I slipped, I fell, I closed my eyes and found what felt true. Hard, cold math comes to my rescue, and I bid it go away. Hie from here, dark fiend, come to burst bubbles and dreams.  Tilt your head back, slip, slip into the spilled wishes. All the how I wishes, flitting from one pool of sunlight to another. How I, How I, How I wish I could fly. How I wish I'd never hurt again. How I w...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream. Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld എനിക്കൊരു കൊച്ചു കുറ്റം ഏറ്റുപറയാനുണ്ട്. അല്ല, അതൊരു കുറ്റമല്ല, മറിച്ചൊരു സ്വകാര്യം. ഭാഗ്യദേവത എന്ന സിനിമയിലെ ആഴി തിരതന്നിൽ എന്ന പാട്ടെനിക്ക് വളരെ ഇഷ്ടമാണ്. സത്യത്തിൽ, അതിലെ മുഖ്യ കഥാപാത്രം കാണിക്കുന്ന സുശീലതയും സ്നേഹവും എനിക്കൊരിക്കലും കാണിക്കാനാവില്ലെങ്കിലും, ആ സിനിമ തന്നെ എനിക്ക് വളരെ ഇഷ്ടമായി. ജയറാം സിനിമ എടുക്കുന്നത് വീട്ടമ്മമാരെ ഉദ്ദേശിച്ചാണ്. അതുകൊണ്ട് തന്നെ സ്ത്രീക്ക് ഏതോ ദേവത ഭാവം കൊടുക്കാതെ സിനിമ പൂർത്തിയാകില്ല. തന്നോട് മോശമായി പെരുമാറുന്ന ഒരാളെ സ്നേഹംകൊണ്ട് ജയിച്ചെടുക്കുക എന്ന ഈ ആശയം തീരെ സംശയകരമായി മാത്രമേ എനിക്ക് തോന്നുകയുള്ളൂ. എങ്ങനെയായാലും, ഇതുപോലെ ചിന്തിക്കുന്ന സ്ത്രീകളുടെ തലയിൽ ചവിട്ടി അല്ലെ പുരുഷന്മാർ ഇത്രയും വഷളായത്? ഇങ്ങനെയൊക്കെ ചിന്തിച്ചിട്ടും പിന്നെ എന്തുകൊണ്ട് ഈ പാട്ട് കേൾക്കാൻ ഞാൻ പിന്നെയും പിന്നെയും തിരികെ വരുന്നു? ഗന്ധങ്ങൾ ഓർമ്മകളെ ഉണർത്തുന്നതുപോലെ തന്നെ ഈ പാട്ടും ഇതാ, എന്നോട് മോശമായി പെരുമാറിക്കൊണ്ടിരുന്ന ആരെയോ സ്നേഹിച...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld Chantham Kalindi Nadam - Chess ചന്തം  കാളിന്ദി നാദം  - ചെസ്സ്  I loved this movie when I first saw it. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). This was mostly because I used to be a huge Dileep fan. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). I used to be a huge Dileep fan because I found him extremely funny. (I repeat, I can never be accused of having particularly good taste).  I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was love at first sight for the  Chantham Kalindi song and I. But it was definitely crush at first sight. And then this thing happened at dance class, and my crush developed into a full strength infatuation complete with angry jealousy and fantasies inside my head.  I may have mentioned this before, but I am not a naturally talented dancer. Today, yes, I ...

Mandaarame - Ohm Shanthi Oshaana Sometimes you come home to find that someone has gone and ruined every single thing for you. And then they've run away, and won't take responsibility, and take to hiding behind little girls. What do you do? How do you recoup losses, or replace damaged property? This song doesn't provide any answers in that department, if that's what you're wondering. It's just an adorable, upbeat song that shouldn't hurt to listen to, but does. The movie itself, Om Shanthi Oshana , is unique for me in that I've probably watched it like 20 times since 2015. When do I ever watch a movie (that isn't Marvel related) more than once, let alone a Malayalam movie? Since Nazriya Nazim, is when. Okay, that's not entirely true - Nivin Pauly is the big draw for me here. (On an unrelated note, does Tovino Thomas look Spanish or something? Asking for a friend.) But what is most important about this film is that it showcases a crush f...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld I was introduced to Massari in high school - probably tenth grade, probably thanks to MTS and MTR, my tuition buddies. (MTR got married a couple of days ago, congrats, girl.) Tuitions were a real eye opener for me, socially speaking. It was my chance in a long time to interact with people outside of my very limited social circle. We weren't really in the habit of googling lyrics back then, except sometimes, so I didn't even understand half of what Massari's singing about for the longest time. And it really doesn't matter - even today, Be Easy  has a beat that makes it impossible to sit still. It is also so deeply coded to memories of that time that it can instantly catapult me back into that time. But Be Easy was always the consolation prize song. The palate cleanser for when you've had too many repeats of Real Love. This song has got ...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld 2016 and 2017. Two life changing years for me - two years in which growing up has taken on so much more meaning. Even now, I can practically feel  my brain forcing my personality to change, and my perspectives to shift. In the one sense, these two years have been one fucking awful thing after the next. In the other sense, these are the best two years to have happened to me.  I'm supposed to avoid emotional rollercoasters, but that becomes a little difficult when you consistently wake up from nightmares in tears. These nightmares have little to do with my conscious mind or daily life. And yet, I'd spend the entire day smiling and chilling and generally being productive, only to face the nightmares at night. The very wide gap between what my conscious mind is doing, and what my unconscious mind is doing is rather unnerving.  And yet, "reco...