Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Written March 15, 2010 Apocalyptic title, you think? Well, think again. In less than 20 days, I say goodbye to what has defined my life for so long: School Life. Yes, indeed, it is the end. And as pictures of farewell ceremonies and farewell notes throng Facebook profiles... I find myself assailed by a curious kind of wistfulness. Now you'll think, "Oh man, there she goes again, emo talk and senti crap. When the HELL does she NOT feel wistful?" I'm not gonna blame you, but I do like to think that this time I have ample reason for complaint. 'Cause going through all the pictures and shit (and I am not gonna bore you with how I was not reduced to tears by them), one line that kept recurring was:  14 wonderful years with you people, thank you so much. Our own farewell was no exception. The same old Ramayana, minus the Facebooking. 14 years together, yada yada, and I think, "Where the hell are MY 14 years together?" Shifting schools hasn't hurt ...

Written April 15, 2009. The latter half of this post makes it extremely important and relevant, methinks.  Hey, what's it like to finally stop short, turn around and face life? To stop pretending and admit that you're through, and you can't handle it anymore? Yeah? What's it like to let your shoulders sag from the burden? What's it like to have to admit that you're wrong and everyone else is right? What's it like to see your dreamworld crash around your ears? To see that the clouds that supported your castle in the air suddenly decided to float away, and then have them come back to rain on your defeat?? What's it like to face a year of disgrace and shame? To spend another 9 months of feeling that you let them all down? To know you brought it all down on yourself? That you got no one and nothing else to blame, try as you might? What do you do when every single atom of sense and security in your life is lying at your feet, as irrevocably broken...

Written on February 15, 2009.  Ah, life is bliss. Sort of. But with new hopes rising on the horizon, you can bet that I'm gonna be the last person to give it all up. But the road ahead... Oh, man. That road. Sticks and stones would be more than welcome... but this? I mean, I'm actually having to rely on my own ability to save myself from a pit into which someone else pushed me! I mean, I have to study, to get good marks... Oh, woe is me! [Was this written yesterday?] Well, apart from that, all's well in God's own Country. Or as I like to think of it, God's Own Forsaken Male Chauvinistic Pigsty. And you got to agree that it is a terrible pain if a girl can't go for a f***** movie without having to rely on a whole bodyguard consisting of her father, elder brother, paternal and maternal uncles and an army of cousins. Plus the baby brother to accompany her if she wants to say, buy popcorn, or pee. 'Cause, you see, I'm kinda used to the looks I attract ...

Written December 28, 2008 Sometimes, when you're all alone, the chill night air a soothing balm after a frenetic day, music pounding softly in your ear, and you're tapping the keys of the PC silently so as not to call the more alert members of the house from their sleep... Just you and your thoughts, and maybe a cup of coffee. That's when you know the most peaceful moments of your life.  There's no one to stop you from thinking; from travelling far across the realms of your imagination. Beyond all boundaries, all traditions, all society, all rules. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, how your hair's done up. Doesn't matter that you haven't gotten the marks u wanted, or that your friends have been backbiting. Doesn't matter that you're facing imprisonment up to a year and a half without parole. Nothing matters, except you. Let your wishes soar upwards into the endless blue on the wings of a prayer. Dare to go forward, to claim your ...

Written December 23, 2008 Context: Thoughts resulting from anxiously stressing over whether I'd get to home to Dubai for the holidays or not. (Spoiler: Didn't happen). I don't even want to consider any other alternative, because this tiny little hope is ALL I have left. The only thing that keeps me sane and going. It's just this tiny presumption, a weak flimsy base to all the fancy castles being built on it, high up in the clouds. One word is enough to send the whole damn thing tumbling to the ground. And yet I keep thinking that if I go into battle believing my own invincibility... believing, blindly believing that nothing can stand in my own way, and that no one will say no to me... everything'll turn out alright.

Photo by  Jimmy Chan  from  Pexels Written on October 2, 2008. Notes in red. You know how the old classic goes... Welcome to the Ho(s)tel California... You can check out any time you want... But you can never  leave!!!! I checked out, baby. I checked out a long time ago. But it doesn't look like I get to leave any time soon. I'm going back today, with no hope for any respite until November. Ahm how the months stretch on.. Days and days of sleeping in class and lying awake at night,  of analysing and cross analysing people's words and actions, and going all paranoid on them --  Does she hate me? What did he mean by that? Why doesn't this one look at me?  Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of myself. If you were to ask just wtf is wrong wit me... I'd tell you I'm a paranoiac suffering from bipolar disorder and mild schizophrenia and mild megalomania. And just in case you didn't know,   bipolar disorder is the same a...

Written on October 1, 2008 Photo by  Nadia Jamnik  on  Unsplash Now, what exactly made me choose that title? Frankly, I'm not so sure, except for the fact that everything's pretty much broken heart material pour moi  right now. Where do I begin? Maybe from the last post. Remember what I said about being hung from the yardarm? Very nearly happened. I guess it was stupid to think I could get away with it. I was caught and screwed for every bit of the time I took off. So what with my grandmother's lectures about cutting classes, and the nuns' horror at what I'd dared to do... And that too, a girl. Quel horreur! One of these days, I will bomb Brilliant Study Centre. And then news analysts all over the world will zoom in on my blog and go, "OMG, we should've seen it coming. I mean, look, it was all over her page!" I can only hope I'll be unavailable for comment. The microphones of World News may never recover from the filthy diatribe I...

Written on September 21, 2008 Sneaky, sneaky me! And how! It's middle of term time, I'm officially still at the hostel... and still a blog post! Such is the magic of the modern female mind. There are a hundred things that could go wrong here. And when they do...  I'll be so royally  fucked that the next time u hear from me could possibly be only in 2010. I mean, even I can't believe I so blatantly bunked my Brilliant classes to go write a Catechism exam I don't have, only to end up in a cafe I've never visited before... Whoa. Congratulations to me. And let this be a lesson to my dearly beloved parents: Never ever think even for a moment that a twisted mind can be cured simply by shutting it up in a stupid convent someplace. Moving on... I'm rather overwhelmed by the number of incredibly cute guys around here. And being a fan of Paulo Coelho, I too am searching for my soulmate. Just like Brida. It'd be kinda cool if we could ha...

Photo by  freestocks.org  from  Pexels Written on September 9, 2008 Yeah, we've all heard that phrase a million times over. But for the first time in my life I'm wishing it would come true. That Christmas would come early, and I'd go to Dubai early. Teacher's Day has come and gone. Over here, we had this sad-ass, for crying out loud, program that was good by the school standards. Over there... I'm not saying much. The pics and vids of all my friends rockin' it up has left me speechless. Whether with rage, or tears, or joy at their fortune is for you to decide. Anyway, following a nightmarish first term, I've kicked back and I'm enjoying a 10 day hiatus before what promises to be an even nightmarish second term. Ah, the life. I plan to do a hell lot of writing these hols, get my hair cut, call my friends, pierce my ears, and go online every single day. So far, it's working parfaitment. School's great. Well, that would ...

Photo by  Jeswin Thomas  from  Pexels Published on July 12, 2008. 30th June, 2008 It seems like the whole world is going on, while i lie forgotten, buried, locked away. Life is an unforgiving thing, and people are forgotten faster than the sand that blows over their graves. Long before final resting places merge into one another and earthly abodes crumble into dust, the souls that inhabited them are wiped from the memories of the living. And as each of a generation retires for good, there is one less reason to be remembered. In this vein, the song Leave Out All the Rest is thought provoking. Chester always seems to take great pleasure in tormenting people with his torments, and this one is no different. "...I woke with this fear What am I leaving, when I'm done here?" You know what, Chester? Good question. So.. locked up in a hostel and cut off from all lines of communication by the overzealous (and as I'm sure, well meaning) efforts ...

Written on June 21, 2008. Comments in maroon.  Such a good nostalgic song. Kind of how I'm feeling - all nostalgic and VERY DEPRESSED. Seriously, I thought I'd forgotten how to behave well with me family. I guess not. I'm surprising myself. But, whatever. I think the harm's already done. I can't describe just HOW MUCH I'm regretting my high handedness with my family. Seriously. And now they're not giving me a second chance. And I'm still in denial. Try as I might, I can't face the fact that I might have to stay here, and not go back at all. I keep trying to ignore the whole thing, like if I don't think about it, it might go away. I'm sure I do deserve this, er, punishment... But I'm still hoping. 'Cause every prisoner, every orphan, everybody however wicked or unfortunate, has the right to Hope. Faith is a matter of the slightly stronger, but not hope. That's for everyone. And if everyone cared, then...

Photo by  Lukas  from  Pexels Written on June 11, 2008 (Comments in red) And seriously, no one who's ever been on the inside of one of those baby pink themed places can ever argue. Watch Obama and McCain fly out the window, and I doubt even Harry Potter will be able to compete. I'm guessing he'd Apparate to the front of a free for all Baskin Robbins give-away queue. And  I'm guessing that queue would be longer than the one for the Luna Lovegood tryouts. So this week, I've been splurging out and babying my horrendous sweet tooth with- what else? Baskin Robbins. All the same, my conservative passion for chocolate kinda limits my flavours, and my conservative wallet limits the size of the cone! Apart from the Baskin Robbins binge, I've been mentally preparing for one of the worst steps in my whole life. I assure you its worse than my  first step,  when I fell flat on my face and cut my lip. Leaving for a country where your roots are supposed to...

Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash Getting Started (Femme Fatale) Baskin Robbins For President Summer of '69 Searcheth the Key Christmas Come Early Tale of a Broken Heart Hostel California Freecell King Sweet Summer Child: A Love Letter Between Ahab and the Whale This Last Strand Where Angels Fear to Tread Lady of the Land that isn't Really There The Choices That Dare to Cross My Path Will Be Taken Out and Shot The Bitter Taste of Freedom Salvation A New Year Poem 14 Years Together - The Beginning of the End Confessions of a Bored Website Hit(Wo)Man Beat the IIT Boy Awards Ceremony 2010 Waiting For the Roof to Fall In, Or For Me To Fall Off Lightning Dome Cuckolds: A Tale of Two Parties I'm From 'Nam Three Days Into Adulthood Sleepy Zonk - One Half-Firang Politician Stewed and Nettled Sierra's Fifth Circle of Hell - Citations  Alice Didn't Think There'd Be Midterms in Wonderland  Imaginarium That Elusive Frog W...