Throwback: Summer of '69

Written on June 21, 2008. Comments in maroon. 

Such a good nostalgic song. Kind of how I'm feeling - all nostalgic and VERY DEPRESSED. Seriously, I thought I'd forgotten how to behave well with me family. I guess not. I'm surprising myself.

But, whatever. I think the harm's already done. I can't describe just HOW MUCH I'm regretting my high handedness with my family. Seriously. And now they're not giving me a second chance.

And I'm still in denial. Try as I might, I can't face the fact that I might have to stay here, and not go back at all.

I keep trying to ignore the whole thing, like if I don't think about it, it might go away.

I'm sure I do deserve this, er, punishment... But I'm still hoping. 'Cause every prisoner, every orphan, everybody however wicked or unfortunate, has the right to Hope. Faith is a matter of the slightly stronger, but not hope. That's for everyone.

And if everyone cared, then nobody'd die. Trust me... Or Nickelback.

On another note, this hols, I just met my extended paternal family. The relationships between us have never been all that great. In fact, my mum expressly forbade all of us from meeting them this time. (The whole family were together after a long, long time.)

My dad went, of course.

And you know what? It's curious what a bit of boredom (loosely translated as having NO ONE to speak to and reading books I've already read about SEVEN TIMES EACH and sleeping for 14 hours a day) and a touch of rebellion can do, eh?

Truth be told... I did go and meet them - aided and abetted by my dad. And I'm really touched by how friendly they really are. I met my nephew and niece for the first time, too; as well as a long lost cousin not seen since I was 5. (The last time I saw HER, she was the noisiest brat ever to walk the surface of the Earth.) And guess what? My spoilt, chocolate-guzzling pineapple-hating squalling cousin was actually whining about wanting to MEET ME!

Talk about flattered.

And though all of us were too shy to say a word, (yeah, I know, imagine me shy!) we still got along just fine.

And then coming back home, my dad and I got our stories straight. (No, mum, I DID NOT meet them. I was sitting by the poolside.)

Dad and I HAVE been enjoying some quality time for the last couple of days.  And, no, I do not have the nefarious idea of using this to get back to where I need to be. Well, whatever.

Anyway, I've definitely bored whoever's reading this, and I definitely need to get back to my indefinite boredom.

Or is that infinite boredom?

So. sighing off on that note (no, that's NOT a typo).. A toast to lost and found family, Nickelback and Bryan Adams, and reformed brats. And good quality nostalgia.

CHEERS!!!

My heart breaks just reading this. I want to go back and tell myself that being nicer to my family wouldn't have made a whit of difference. That the only way I could have broken out of that trap would have been through outright rebellion, by refusing to go to school. By refusing to budge. By throwing a year of my life out along with the bathwater. 

I want to go back and tell myself not to trust my dad, not to trust my mom. That his sympathetic nature extended only as far as getting me to hang out with his family, (and therefore scoring a point against his wife's wishes.) 

I think I knew these things anyway, but they bear repeating. They always bear repeating. This is what it feels like, to be in the thick of an emotionally abusive relationship at its most abusive. To completely lose perspective, feel disoriented, and blame yourself. 

And it's important to talk about these things, not brush them under hundreds of carpets. It's important for other people who may be going through the same crap to be able to see that they are not the only ones in that position. That it's not their fault, even though everything and everybody is telling them that it is. 

Oh, and P.S.: I'll always love "If Everyone Cared" by Nickelback. And "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams.