Fuckboy Bingo: The Tragic Fallout Of A Hook Up Quest

Photo by Holly Stratton on Unsplash

Much has been written about "hook-up culture." Not as much has been written about the various obligations one carries into hook-up culture. The most important of those obligations is that you need to earn the right to be there. 

Simply because hook ups do not, as a rule, carry as much emotional obligation as a relationship would doesn't mean you get an all-access pass to the Land of Trivialization. If anything, the lower level of social legitimacy afforded to hook-ups gives you a greater burden to ensure that your actions do not hurt anybody that decides to be optimistic enough to begin such an uncertain type of relationship with you. 

If you're in the market for a hook up, then you have no right to disrespect the people you will meet as a result of your efforts. You have no right to look at them as though they are lesser than individuals who go in for the standard relationship. If you have such hang ups, kindly table them and go back to the relationship scene. Or better yet, take yourself out of the social interaction scene altogether, because that makes you a terrible person. 

Saying that meeting people on Tinder is not your cup of tea is perfectly legitimate. Meeting people on Tinder isn't my cup of tea either. I usually require a physical connection with a person before I can feel attracted to them - something Tinder is, by definition, unable to provide. 

But saying that meeting people on Tinder is not your cup of tea because they may be carrying STIs/STDs is completely unacceptable. (So is thinking it.) People on Tinder do not exist on an imaginary plane of fantasy. They exist in the here and now, in the real world, in your city, probably 5 kilometres away from you. Trying to draw a distinction between people on a dating app and people you meet in real life in terms of their presumed sexual history and physical health is like trying to draw a line in the water. And it makes you an idiot. Are you an idiot? Yes, you are. 

Due to the impossibility of that distinction, you aren't just insulting and disrespecting some imaginary class of people who only exist in Tinderland. You're insulting anybody who falls within the potential pool of people who may engage in no-strings-attached relationships. And since you've begun your quest to find a hook up partner by disrespecting anybody who may express interest in you, it's clear that you've no business trying to date, seriously or otherwise. Because at no point did you bother to think about the fact that you, being someone who's looking for a hook up, is subject to the exact same disrespect you're happily doling out to everyone else. Because someone who disrespects potential partners is someone who doesn't deserve any potential partners whatsoever. 

And then, once the argument has reached this point, comes the cherry on top. 

"I don't want to hook up with women who've had too many boyfriends."

There. All pretence has vanished. The White Knighting has fled to the basement of Creep Castle. Here is a man who thinks that penises have some kind of magical power to tarnish the women touched by them. Do the world a favour, Mr. White Knight Creep, and keep your penis inside your pants, where it may never tarnish anything more than your favourite pair of Jockeys. 

And when it was suggested that if it was truly STIs or STDs that he was concerned about, he should just get himself checked, ask his potential partner to get herself checked, and then move forward, he responded with "that's too much effort, I don't want to do any of that."

If you're not prepared to handle the most basic medical precautions that are a part and parcel of having safe sex (in any type of relationship), then you do not get to have sex at all. Kindly fast forward to the Forever Celibate option and stay there. 

And let's not forget the sugar roses on the side. Mr. Hook Up (But Not On Tinder), Mr. Women on Tinder Have STIs, Mr. I Won't Date Sluts...

...is only interested in hooking up with women outside his community. That's because women from his community don't engage in sex outside marriage. Well, he said it, so it must be true. (He will, however, marry only within his community.)

And with the Virgin-Whore dichotomy having come full circle, this young man has won the Fuckboy Bingo. Congratulations. Please refrain from ever having sex under any circumstances whatsoever.