Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Wondering whether we're all doomed to spend our lives in hell.

  I don’t remember you anymore.

  I miss being understood. 

It was like the cheery announcer in my head went,  "Let's have a look, shall we? Ah, yes, very nice. Much to learn from here."  And then I was looking at Schroedinger's Matrimonial Bliss, which promises to be the pinnacle of wonderfulness for as long as the Instagram filter lasts. 

  Who are you, mortal, that I must dream of floating forever in your arms? 

I inhale pain. I exhale love.  I embrace my pain. I accept my pain.  I forgive you.

Photo by  Wellington Cunha  from  Pexels For almost a decade of crushing on girls, I didn't even know that homosexuality was a thing - let alone bisexuality. Even when I found out about homosexuality, of one thing I was sure - that wasn't me. I wondered though - I wondered who I might know that might be. And I thought about the older, attractive girls I admired. The ones who had a reputation for disregarding social norms and conservative school rules about segregating boys and girls. The ones I so desperately wanted to be... but never to be with. Right? I thought about them and concluded that perhaps they might do these strange things with each other - make out with each other the way guys and girls were supposed to do. I tried to imagine it, and experienced a thrill, and came away even surer than before: That that's not me. That's just not me. It was only when I found myself hanging around a schoolmate's classroom, hoping to catch even the slightes...

Crossposted. October 1, 2010. Yesterday, you sat beside me as I cried. Today, there's no one to hold me as I cry. And that is how I know you're still alive. Because every minute of my days, you're a hole in the world, floating softly next to me, filling my dreams and fantasies, and all my waking hours. I feel myself giving slowly in to the pressure. An evil imp insists that I take the plunge, but I know that even as I slice into the blue depths of the pool, there will be no water to caress my sore skin, to soothe the aching pain that afflicts me. What can I say, except that you walked away on a moonlit night? That the strange loud music in the background drowned out the sound of my heart breaking. What can I say, except that I had no choice but to break the circle to keep myself sane? Princesses know the duties they owe State and people. Royalty from around the world courts us with gifts unimaginable, with more flowers than our castles can hold, with more l...

Written December 12, 2010 Tonight I said goodbye To a dream I saw again Something I once knew A long time ago In another life I could go this distance And yet another one But why then do I find myself Coming back around to this Little town I cherish in my heart I could do a million times Better and the world is mine For the taking so why Does everything feel incomplete Without you around to smile And make me feel so much better Forgive me for not leaving Forgive me for wanting to watch Over you this night And the next and every single Minute of forever Some things I can't help So I will let you hide Somewhere no one can see Someplace to call our own Maybe someday I'll take you there It will be our secret Our hideout, far away from the distance That pulls me into the pain And some nights all I do Is fall asleep in your arms These dreams I say goodbye to Forgive me for turning my back on you The distance calls and I'm succumbing To ...

Photo by  Petr Ovralov  on  Unsplash Written December 9, 2016 I am not a gifting person. Years ago, someone suggested I write them something about love as a gift instead. I made many starts, completed nothing. Perhaps happiness doesn't inspire me the way sorrow does. Then last year came the first and only love letter I've ever written. Does it mean more if you write letters? May I? Dearest. When I met you, the only taste I remembered any more was the taste of ashes in my mouth. When I met you, the sun had cracked open, and loss was everywhere.  When I met you, you were a shadow, hidden among shadows, a nervous joke whispered on the winds of my thoughts.  When I met you, I was looking for a friend.  Then I met you, and the sun rose again, whole and healthier than before.  I met you, and the joke turned to undying laughter on my lips.  I met you, and I knew longing again, my soul unable to bear its weight.  I did not know...