Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Dreams strewn across the carpet of the wronged boy's pride. A few minutes in Time that can never be turned back. It's the close, something very final. 

Photo by  frank mckenna  on  Unsplash Well. I was going through posts from my old blog to add to the "Throwback" series when I came across  bona fide  evidence of cool-girling. You see, as far as I'm concerned, all girls have this one true best friend, the one to whom you say everything, no matter how dirty or disgusting it is. But after that, surviving the whole best friend minefield is a dicey business, I tell you.  Now, no offence to my guy friends, (and any guy readers)-- because I love you guys... but boys are stupid in a lot of ways. They're good with mechanics, and engines, and directions. But at spotting the obvious, at doing the right thing, at following their heart and when it comes to girls, in general, they are idiots. Period.  But however, guys do know how to have fun. In style. Why? My good friend Pavvi has a theory. She thinks its because they just don't care. I think she may have a point there... because after all, guys have...

Photo by  Bruno Henrique  from  Pexels Written November 30, 2010 The little bird was afraid to fly. All his brothers and sisters had leaped off the ledge and soared upwards, flapping their wings with ease. But he feared the water that lay beneath, swelling hungrily. He feared the wings he had never had to trust before. The little birdie was pushed off his ledge. He had to fly, or he would fall and be swallowed by the hungry waves below.  My Therapist on the Roof told me I had no choice. I'd been pushed off the ledge, so I had damn well fly. The problem is, right now, I don't know whether or not I've forgotten to flap my wings.  I'll start now, before Fear raises its ugly head and roars out loud. It's a scary prospect, which is why I always manage to hold that wolf away. Maybe not this time. Maybe a little scaring is in order.  When you step back and look at the bigger picture, it scares you, because you're reminded that you're not alone. A...

If I close my eyes at just the right moment, as my boyfriend is opening his laptop, I can see a Fujitsu logo on the back of it, and imagine for a moment that my old laptop is still alive and well. (It's currently stored in the laptop crypt that is my wardrobe, along with 3 others.) It had to be retired after it literally caught fire in my hostel room. It was my fault. I dropped it too many times, and it was really just held together with spit and broken dreams by that point. I still keep it because I want to get the hard drive out someday. It's probably super screwed by this point, and totally unusable. I left it about 4 years too late, but still I hold out hope. That's because I live in the past a lot. I know at least 50 people queuing up to tell me I shouldn't, and I tell them I don't, I swear I don't, because they would never leave me alone otherwise. And yet that's where I am about 50% of the time, still drowning in the murky waters of bogs I...

Written September 24, 2010 Once upon a time...  (no, not in Mumbai)  the hands of uncertainty marched sternly around the face of time. Nowadays (yes, in Bangalore), it's  tiny black digits  that keep changing inexorably on the green face of my watch. Keeping time to an uncertainty that began its dance three journeys before. Journeying along the same dark road, where long, long ago (no, not in a far, far away land) this tale of insanity began to unfold. The rain strikes my face, dealing blows to my ego I would have thought impossible a few months ago. I wonder to myself, and to the cold wind that bites through the wet clothes and down to my skin. I wonder whether leniency may not be my worst concern. I wonder whether or not I'm being untrue to the ideals I set for myself along the way. It's hard to let go of those things I treasure, because that's the way I see myself. Too bad the rest of the world doesn't agree with my opinion. But who am I kidding?...

Written August 27, 2010  Apparently, there are people on this earth who call up their mothers after an argument to make sure they (the mothers) sleep okay.  🤷🏾‍♀️ Oh, and by the way, did you know that people are actually very nervous about being left alone? I mean, if you look closely, you will notice that nobody actually does anything alone, of their own free will. They're always surrounded by friends, and if they even need to go to the loo, they drag a friend along. This is especially true of girls. If they're, for some strange reason, not with friends, they try to strike up conversations with people who they don't really talk to much. OR, and this is even better, they start fiddling with their phone. Check out the relaxed shoulders, the way someone leans back casually when they're on their phone. They don't mind that they're physically alone, because they're  connected . The word  connected , by the way, is The Word these days. It's ...

Written August 23, 2010 How do you know it's exam time? When your Rate of Blogging (no of blog posts per twenty four hours) increases exponentially. When you find yourself trawling Blogspot.com and following random seniors. When you find yourself finally commenting on Loboguy's blog. When the 4 little figures down in the right hand corner of your computer screen keep moving at an insane pace, and all you've done are those 2 damn Powerpoint presentations. Do you know why proxy servers are dangerous? Because they tempt you into watching Fanaa videos at midnight, when you're running late on prep and have 4 slides left on your second presentation, which you have been doing for the last four hours. I'm generally nocturnal, but I really would rather I was nocturnal sans the accompanying twinges of guilt. And that's why I hate exams. They don't let me be my usual chilled out self. [🙄 Such deep thought.] I have to actually force myself to put a worried fro...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld Chantham Kalindi Nadam - Chess ചന്തം  കാളിന്ദി നാദം  - ചെസ്സ്  I loved this movie when I first saw it. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). This was mostly because I used to be a huge Dileep fan. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). I used to be a huge Dileep fan because I found him extremely funny. (I repeat, I can never be accused of having particularly good taste).  I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was love at first sight for the  Chantham Kalindi song and I. But it was definitely crush at first sight. And then this thing happened at dance class, and my crush developed into a full strength infatuation complete with angry jealousy and fantasies inside my head.  I may have mentioned this before, but I am not a naturally talented dancer. Today, yes, I ...

Written August 15, 2010 I'd like to start by referring back to my last post... "It's surprising how, the moment you get out of your car to investigate the road block, the block disappears. And it's surprising how, when you think about it (or have it pointed out to you, as the case may be), your respect for yourself actually grows." However, the question is whether or not to let that respect define you. Should I be happy with myself because of all the other considerations that cannot have come in exactly the same combination into someone else's life? Or should I put that imaginary base up for myself round about where everyone else's is, and try and measure up? The heavy stuff left behind, I shall move onto my increasing discomfort with the fact that I just copied, verbatim, a whole damn paragraph from my previous post without citing it!!!! This, ladies and gentlemen is yet another aspect of life at law school - the writing of research papers, an...

Note: Written August 15, 2010; #TBT the time I saw RG IRL. It's not everyday of your life that you see a damned famous politician with an even more famous history get pissed off just because somebody had the balls to criticize, in detail, the working of his organization, as it was a couple of years ago. But you really have to hand it to the guy for converting like EVERY fucking thing that was said today by anybody who was not NALSAR the dog into potential votes. Small wonder the LTTE 'representative' sitting beside me was pissing her pants in fury. =) I kind of floated through most of today in a sleep deprived Zonked Zone, just because I got up after only 3 hours of sleep so I could have the luxury of a 45 minute shower. I did wake up briefly to do the preliminary round of the most sadistic quiz I have ever seen. Indeed, the answer to the first question was Sadism and Masochism, so go figure. "Suffering may well build character, but you won't be able to enjoy t...

Written August 12, 2010 "With great power comes great responsibility." ~ The Green Goblin,  Spiderman Losing your phone is the most annoying thing that can happen to anyone who really cannot live without theirs. Not really being used to walking around looking like I've got a sleek metal thingy growing out of one ear, I was mostly fine. But just at the first, there was this feeling of being incredibly vulnerable and naked. In such cases, it's very good to have 20 year old dudes buy you shoes. Two pairs of shoes at that. It doesn't really matter that you ' cruelly'  dump them a couple of days later. I mean, max everyone decides that you're a bitch via any of the following logical reasoning: (a) You should have given it a shot. For at least a trimester. (b) You shouldn't have led him on for a week. Why didn't you say no in the beginning? I mean, like he wouldn't have been depressed if i'd said no in the beginning. Also, ...

August 3, 2010 Not so long ago, there was a mass of ugly, writhing worms hidden under the floorboard. And I used to go out there every now and then, and pull up the floorboard, just for the pain it gave me, to watch those motherfuckers squirm through my thoughts. Apparently creepy wormy thoughts have been replaced by punches to the backbone that knock the wind out of you, and leave a neat line of navy blue potatoes right down your back. Crazy night, I tell you, when you figure out that your name has been changed to Salome. When the fact that its your fault makes you a little happy. Just a little happier. :) You're damn sleepy, and yet you keep your eyes open out of guilt, and because you need to give yourself more cause for guilt. You have music pouring into your ears, and out of your fingers, and all you can think is that you're 3 months too late. You have your best friend telling you about how she felt like killing herself, and you're so numb, you have nothing...

Written May 31, 2010 Spoiler Alert: the roof fell in, and I fell off.  Does anyone know where I am tonight??? Search for me everywhere, search, and you won't find. 'Cause you don't know where to look for me tonight. Look out the window, and ask the wind, that know it all. No? Oh well, dip into facebook, and all the other chatrooms. It's past midnight, and there are plenty of people out there. No? Check the beaches, and lovers' corners. Tap into late night conversation between friends, lovers, or ex- lovers. No? Check the kitchen, is the fridge open, any signs of a midnight snack? Check the church, am I out there, stalking some cute guy or the other? No. Check with my ipod, does it know where I am? My novel lies open on the couch, abandoned. The TV remote lies next to it, all but forgotten. Check with my pillow, why am I still awake in the wee hours of the morning? She was too tired to fall asleep, says my pillow. Somewhere in the big hous...

Written September 6, 2010, based on our Torts professor. Light rays bounce off Against a sunshine pate Bushy eyebrows contract Shadowing a sinister smile Who deplores the lack Of smooth black curls Or gelled spikes... Are not the enigmatic eyebrows Becoming enough Watch as eighty odd 'friends' Shrink back and cower Wincing slightly as those brows Do bear down upon them Jiggling like the evil Yet to come Example upon parable Are issued forth From beneath those ebony arcs That frame round 'innocent' eyes A laughing Buddha In impeccable dress Yet never a Buddha there was Graced by such a pair Of eyebrows so smart

Written almost 2 years to the day (January 2, 2016). Thoughts: Interestingly, I got out of law school. I hate narcissism and navel gazing, I do. I also am  obsessed  with myself - my thoughts, my feelings, and all about how I'm the center of my own universe.  The above sentence is the crux of what I want to talk about, to be honest. Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Are you shy or outgoing? Are you conventional or a non conformist? Well? Do you like parties or not? Intellectual? Fluff pieces only?  Cat or dog person? Likes guys or likes girls? Believe in love? Or do you not?  Want to be a mother? Hate the idea of kids? Are you comfortable in your body? Do you want to be a hot size zero who could wear anything without having to think twice about it? Are you a principled social justice warrior who watches her every word and action just so she can add her little bit to righting the world?  Or are you ...

Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash Getting Started (Femme Fatale) Baskin Robbins For President Summer of '69 Searcheth the Key Christmas Come Early Tale of a Broken Heart Hostel California Freecell King Sweet Summer Child: A Love Letter Between Ahab and the Whale This Last Strand Where Angels Fear to Tread Lady of the Land that isn't Really There The Choices That Dare to Cross My Path Will Be Taken Out and Shot The Bitter Taste of Freedom Salvation A New Year Poem 14 Years Together - The Beginning of the End Confessions of a Bored Website Hit(Wo)Man Beat the IIT Boy Awards Ceremony 2010 Waiting For the Roof to Fall In, Or For Me To Fall Off Lightning Dome Cuckolds: A Tale of Two Parties I'm From 'Nam Three Days Into Adulthood Sleepy Zonk - One Half-Firang Politician Stewed and Nettled Sierra's Fifth Circle of Hell - Citations  Alice Didn't Think There'd Be Midterms in Wonderland  Imaginarium That Elusive Frog W...