Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Friendship is not being allowed to express your opinions to your friend, your other friends, on twitter, Instagram, online, offline, or in the form of graffiti Friendship is not being allowed to be angry when your friend is openly screwing you over.  Friendship is changing literally everything about yourself in the hope that your friend will bother to offer you a scrap of attention left over, once they're done worshipping some dude  Your definition of friendship is a burden to me. I do not want it. 

Written December 31, 2009 Where are you tonight My brother, my sister Where are you tonight When I have need of you? The bells outside ring in The new year so blank So pale and nervous The bells outside ring out the memories The memories in which you rightfully belong.. My brother, my sister The days that are long past Come visiting again tonight There's a new sort of wind That whispers outside my window There's a nervous laugh I hear Sneaking in through the door Those days are long past My brother, My sister And yet you're fresh in my mind And yet you refuse to fade So much has passed Too many have come between us Be they years or people... or happenings weird I'm the one who always was there.. My brother, my sister The new year awaits my pleasure As I linger on your faces I think back to the times When we were not as far I wonder what happened And is it always so? Am I doomed to forget My broth...

Written September 22, 2010. Lucky to be best friends with the subject of this poem, even if it does sound a tad creepy. :P Looking in from the outside Fingers pressed against the pane I watch you laugh, I watch her joke And I search for the space That ought to be me Coming back from the outside I see your hand in hers I see you walk towards me I smile and wave and hurry past And look back for the space That ought to be me Falling into bed After a long, long day I watch you two chatter Merrily, on your bed Across the room I wonder why I am so close Yet feel so far, because There's no space i see That ought to be me

Written December 28, 2008 Sometimes, when you're all alone, the chill night air a soothing balm after a frenetic day, music pounding softly in your ear, and you're tapping the keys of the PC silently so as not to call the more alert members of the house from their sleep... Just you and your thoughts, and maybe a cup of coffee. That's when you know the most peaceful moments of your life.  There's no one to stop you from thinking; from travelling far across the realms of your imagination. Beyond all boundaries, all traditions, all society, all rules. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, how your hair's done up. Doesn't matter that you haven't gotten the marks u wanted, or that your friends have been backbiting. Doesn't matter that you're facing imprisonment up to a year and a half without parole. Nothing matters, except you. Let your wishes soar upwards into the endless blue on the wings of a prayer. Dare to go forward, to claim your ...

Written December 24th, 2008. A friend's abusive boyfriend got into her account and pretended to be her, calling our friendship off. Obviously, he didn't relish the fact that he'd been called abusive. This was my immediate response - she messaged the next day to clear things up. She and I continue to be best friends, and that abusive piece of shit has long since become history.  It's good to be reminded that we do win the occasional important battle.  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you handle the ultimate betrayal? I can still not believe that the words I read just five minutes ago were for real. Not a hoax. Not a joke. What happened? Oh, nothing much. Getting serious, do u think it physically possible for a part of your soul to turn against the other and wound it so deeply that u feel crippled, physically and emotionally? That's what just happened. Oh dear. I for...

Photo by  Jimmy Chan  from  Pexels Written on October 2, 2008. Notes in red. You know how the old classic goes... Welcome to the Ho(s)tel California... You can check out any time you want... But you can never  leave!!!! I checked out, baby. I checked out a long time ago. But it doesn't look like I get to leave any time soon. I'm going back today, with no hope for any respite until November. Ahm how the months stretch on.. Days and days of sleeping in class and lying awake at night,  of analysing and cross analysing people's words and actions, and going all paranoid on them --  Does she hate me? What did he mean by that? Why doesn't this one look at me?  Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of myself. If you were to ask just wtf is wrong wit me... I'd tell you I'm a paranoiac suffering from bipolar disorder and mild schizophrenia and mild megalomania. And just in case you didn't know,   bipolar disorder is the same a...

Photo by  Alice Alinari  on  Unsplash Nymeria was lithe of figure and enigmatic. Enigmatic to me, despite how hard I tried to understand her. Perhaps she did not seem that way to anyone else - perhaps they did not attempt to understand her the way I did. It has often seemed to me that the people in that place were content to stick labels on their fellows and leave it at that. There was little introspection, and no one wondered whether they'd made the right assessment.  Perhaps nobody cared enough to do that for anyone else. Perhaps it wasn't right to care. I do not know. As the years pass, my understanding of that place diminishes rather than grows, and I too become content to stick labels and forget all about it. Nymeria was light to me in a dark place. I loved her - I know that now. Perhaps I grew jealous - of her female friends, certainly. Male friends she had few.  The Nymeria I saw was strong, even headstrong. She thought deeply, she liked...

Photo by  Nathan Dumlao  on  Unsplash An old classmate messaged me the minute I sent her a friend request, and that was pretty unusual. Perhaps it shouldn't be, but it was. I came across her profile when a bunch of pictures were uploaded, featuring other old classmates who are on my friend list, and who were celebrating the engagement of an old classmate. I wasn't particularly surprised by the engagement (also unusual), but this was because I'd been told about it in advance.  And then I wondered who this D.M. was, who had uploaded the pictures. I certainly did not know any D.M. The profile picture wasn't clear, but as I went through the pictures and noted that D.S. was in them, the dreadful truth began to dawn on me. I went to her profile to see whether my suspicions were true, and realized I wasn't even friends with her on Facebook. I sent her a request that she immediately accepted, and thus we come full circle to how I came to be speaking to her....