Navigating Solutions and Darkness

 You'll never know just how angry I am Or maybe you do and that's why you're hiding Photo by Kağan

I want  My safe spaces back

Cannot for the life of me remember why emotional stability or work in therapy is important. 

The despair of the world weighing down on me like five hundred elephants decked in gold and fury.

I remember when I would hunger for connection, lost in a sea of signals and codes I couldn't interpret, mistakenly taking words at face value that were never meant to be given a second thought. 

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

Slow insidious ripples snaking  Up through the shadow-side m oonlit  A conspiracy to destabilize It's a motherfucking coup d'etat I breathe, I swallow, I heave, I retch  No brittle chokehold this  Pulverizing inwards  A merciless motherfucking coup d'etat  Blinding pain, a bubble expanding  Time slowing down as a virus takes my brain  Takes my pain, takes me away  All that's left is the coup d'etat  What is that noise?  An army thousand strong  Trembling the ground beneath Their march to this fucking coup d'etat  The battle lasts forever  An afternoon and a day/  The air  In my lungs all expelled in service  To this motherfucking coup d'etat In the end the ashes reign  Silence claws its foothold back  There are no winners here  In this motherfucking coup d'etat

And I cannot stop shouting, because if I do, the threat comes back. I feel as though I have barely held it at bay, with my aggression, and I need to maintain momentum, because if it comes back, then my only recourse would be to end it for good before it ends me.

Vengeance writ  In shades of blue  These cuts strike deep And ink bleeds through  The maelstrom fades Time slows to a halt  Anger crystallizing/ The better These wounds to salt  Would have grown Apart/ Memories dissolving  But the fields ran red With frozen hope shattering Cobalt calls/ Ruby restless A growl emanating from the depths Of ages past/ Of process thwarted And Azure shifts/ while Copper flows

"Let Karma take care of it," one of my friends says, before launching into a gory story about how somebody she knew got what was coming to her. I hem and haw in response, not being a great believer in anything that I can't see a logical structure in place for. If it's a Karma thing, then consider me more than happy to be Karma's agent on Earth. Karma might work in mysterious ways, but in my case, there would be no mystery about Her workings. And he did. Yesterday, for the first time, I felt very little anger. In fact, I felt the traitorous, "chuck it" creep into my mind. Briefly. On the positive side, this is a sign that therapy and time are doing their work. On the other hand, that is just bloody depressing. Because the thought that someone should get away with what they've done is... sickening. When someone goes to great trouble to lie, cheat, gaslight and erase history to adapt the narrative towards their own convenient means, simply let...

Photo by  Yuvraj Singh  on  Unsplash Some things aren't meant To be spoken out loud Some things that simmer Just beneath the surface Some smiles Aren't meant to falter To betray the curl Of the lip lurking Right behind it Some arms aren't meant To be taken off some shoulders Lest they stray To a less happy connection On the face It doesn't matter That the goblins are giggling From their hiding place Behind the sideboard Some things are just Not meant to be otherwise Written July 18, 2010