Stream of Unconsciousness When

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Cannot for the life of me remember why emotional stability or work in therapy is important. 


Like, at all. The world is ugly. And ugly people don't deserve emotional stability. 

(Yes, yes, going through it rn. Whatever.)

I'm confused. I'm questioning everything about myself. I'm inclined to agree with everyone that has ever attached a negative label to me. Just gonna 

lean into that shit now. 

Because I cannot remember why not.

Empathy why. 

Understanding why. 

CALM WHY. 

NO, NO CALM. Only rage. Rage = where safe from hurt. Rage = make the bad people back off. Rage is how make them stop. Yes? 

I cannot remember anything else. 

Emotions are the only honesty. So

I'm just going to stew and boil forever in this horror of being hated and feared by the people I love, thinking "I only did it to make you stop hurting me. And now what have I done? What have I done? They're gone now, and I should have just let them keep hurting me, yes? Then they wouldn't be gone." 

Nor would the hurt. But this is also hurt so we're just in perpetual hurt this is GREAT and I love it x1000. 

Thanks life. Thanks humans. I'm ready to live off-grid with my face in the grass 24x7 now. 

Full-time grass facer? Full-time grass facer. 

It's better than full-time cut-own-hands-off-and-cry-er. 

.

.

.

.

Or I guess I'll go back to pretending to be some sort of sorted person with adult things to worry about and not a baby in a test tube stewing permanently in the juices of their worst trauma. 

Until next clown, that is. 

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