Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Blogtober 2018 is turning into Feminist Blogtober 2018. Lol @ *Nudes Give Me A High* Comic Guy,* and thanks to all the women who brought the truth of his actions to light. *Attributed to Twitter user @Alp_enliebe. There's a guy I really want to like. I say really want to like because sometimes I like him, and sometimes the alarm bells in my head blare too loud to be drowned out. When I talk about his latest exploits, people inevitably ask me that cringe inducing question: "Why do you still talk to him?" Some of them, they know why. They know whom he reminds me of, albeit in a diluted fashion. "He gives me insight into the average kind of guy," I tell them. "The kind of guy who isn't bad, bad, but not good, good either." The enablers, y'know? The ones who profit from male privilege without actively hurting people and without doing anything to dismantle the sources of their privilege. "It's rare that I am attracted to anyone," ...

It's Blogtober and I'm 4 days late to the party already. Time for some intense backdating. I was 5 when I watched  Titanic, although I've remembered myself as being 3 for some reason. I can't say I understood everything that happened in the movie - whatever happened with the place that had all the vintage car stuff was a complete mystery, and I'm pretty sure Dubai censorship rules are the reason I never realized Jack's painting was a nude painting. But there's a reason why the movie was hailed the way it was - and still is. And that is the sense of something so vast and inescapable. The sense of watching a tragedy unfold in real time, and being made to feel helpless by it. Something like that is incredibly tragic. Watching men self-destruct in real time, on the other hand, is tragicomic. My friend watched me laugh as I compared a couple of people I've dated - their patterns of self-destructive behaviours, their detachment, the utter hopelessnes...

Why don't you... Disregard what I say when I tell you right off the bat that I don't date exclusively? Disregard what I say when I say I take time to get to know people first? Be pushy and attempt to make things go faster than they are? Promptly forget about the time we made out/ hooked up? Constantly ghost/ disappear when texted/ after making plans? Blame the disappearing act on the fact that I don't date exclusively? Be super desperate and then attempt to twist people that are nothing like you into whatever you want them to be? Sulk when that doesn't work? And finally... Wonder constantly, out loud and ad nauseam  why you're single. 🙄

I adore Jessica Jones. The show and the character. In my opinion, it is hands down the best show in the entire Defenders universe. My TV tastes aren't usually shared by those in my immediate social circle - I have only to mention The Vampire Diaries,  for instance, for the eye rolling to start. This is partly because the women I'm friends with have no great interest in the fantasy/ sci-fi genres, and the friends I have that like fantasy/ sci-fi all seem to be men. As a result, men who like sci-fi now are, to me, the most infuriating species of all time. They will happily tick off their favourite shows - Supernatural (no women characters, except for when Jody Mills turns up) and  Stranger Things (aka this one girl is so much powerful than everything else so the ration of roughly 2:1 ratio is totes cool) are common faves. It's supremely rare to find a guy that has even heard of Once Upon A Time , let alone one who counts it among his faves. TVD  and Teen Wolf are scof...

Trying not to get starry eyed over this boy may have been the hardest thing I've ever done. Memories are tricky. You know how olfactory senses are supposed to be the greatest triggers for memory ever? Well, something that comes close is reopening an old, closed door... and then combining it with another old closed door opening up. Out of the blue. Man, I kind of feel like I got hit in the face by a whole bunch of doors, and yes, this is about the Backstreet Boys concert that just happened in Dubai. When I first heard about it, I remember thinking, whoa, my Instagram story feed is going to be insane when this is happening. And I was definitely right about that. I mean, damn Dubai, I thought you couldn't hurt me anymore, and now I feel like I'm fifteen all over again. I won't, I tell myself. I won't encourage these feelings, just because there's yet another lanky, chocolate boy involved. I won't long for what I can't have, won't start to imag...

There is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing your childhood crush thought you were cute. Especially that they thought something about you was cute that you personally hated. There's nothing quite like having a childhood crush turn out to be sweet, soft spoken, generally adorable... if a little faffy. My ninth grade self is so proud, I swear. In fact, there is nothing in the world quite like polite boys. Boys who make time to consider your feelings and (!!) text back. Boys who are just... Kind. Just... Nice. Just... Okay, I'm crying now. #damaged #thebarislow There is also nothing quite like finding out Nivin Pauly is your aunt's neighbor. There is nothing like having friends who are friendly across decades, who do things for you without expecting anything in return even though maybe they don't even know you. Nothing like friends. Nothing like healing. Nothing like... Just generally feeling unburdened, lighter, un-anxious. Free of law school and law school ...

As evening fell and darkened into a not-unpleasant kind of night, I watched a cute guy talk about how his trainee would probably mess up if he didn't immediately clarify things for him. And all I could think of was Praveen. Cut to a month or so ago, when I was at my CCD with Praveen's boss, who wouldn't stop talking about Praveen. "So I walked into office one day," said Praveen's Boss, "in a fairly good mood. And I hear this guy say 'Kannada Gothilla.' And I didn't know what came over me, but I just said, 'Praveen, return his advance and tell him his car is not available.' And the client protested, since the car was waiting for him outside and he could see that. I ignored him and went inside. So the client asked Praveen what was wrong with his boss. And Praveen is such a funny guy, he just said straight up, 'I've been working for him for several years now, and I still don't understand anything he says. He's just insan...