Honest Serial Killers and Other Stories

Blogtober 2018 is turning into Feminist Blogtober 2018. Lol @ *Nudes Give Me A High* Comic Guy,* and thanks to all the women who brought the truth of his actions to light.

*Attributed to Twitter user @Alp_enliebe.

There's a guy I really want to like. I say really want to like because sometimes I like him, and sometimes the alarm bells in my head blare too loud to be drowned out. When I talk about his latest exploits, people inevitably ask me that cringe inducing question: "Why do you still talk to him?" Some of them, they know why. They know whom he reminds me of, albeit in a diluted fashion.

"He gives me insight into the average kind of guy," I tell them. "The kind of guy who isn't bad, bad, but not good, good either." The enablers, y'know? The ones who profit from male privilege without actively hurting people and without doing anything to dismantle the sources of their privilege.

"It's rare that I am attracted to anyone," I say. Somehow, over the years I made a habit of being attracted to some terrible people and cerebral muscle memory is proving hard to shake.

The one thing I don't like telling people is, "He seems like he could be better." That it's the potential in him to be slightly different that I'm attracted to.

Because as everyone knows, falling in love with somebody's potential is the worst idea of all time. Falling in love with somebody's potential is a waste of time. After all, if they'd wanted to change or learn, they would have already.

So I don't fall in love. I walk the line and check myself and the alarms keep blaring all the time.

And the scary thing - the thing my friends understand all too well, the thing this guy would probably never understand - is that falling in love with potential is more than just harmless naivete. It could turn out dangerous. Very, very, dangerous.

I fell in love with potential when I was 10 (and he was 12). Five years later, he sent me a sexually explicit email seven months into our relationship, and I dumped him. Three years after that, he confessed he was still in love with me. Three years after that, he sexually harassed me virtually, continuously telling me what he'd do to me while I told him to stop because that's not how friends talk to each other. He did it while my boyfriend was asleep next to me, because I'd been telling him why I was unhappy with my relationship.

I fell in love with potential when I was 17. We made out and it was nothing like the Taylor Swift songs wanted it to be. I told him he was going too far and he said, no, he could do anything short of have sex with me.

I fell in love with potential when I was 18, and it was a big mistake because some men can't respect women, they just don't understand the concept.

I fell in love with potential when I was 20, and five years of emotional abuse later, potential said he didn't know me.

And that's the thing about potential, when you're the only one that can see it. It may even exist for real, who knows? But the men can't see it, and your friends can't see it, and all the while you've been ignoring the other kind of potential. Which they see - they all see it. And they think, for some reason, "Hey, I'd like to experience what being a monster is. Lemme check it out."

And then that guy who isn't good, good, but not bad, bad either, goes full bad, bad instead of going full good, good. Sorry my sentence is broken. My heart was too, when I found out.

On dating apps, guys fall over themselves to tell you that they're not a serial killer or an axe murderer. (Why? Why always those two options?) They think that telling you should be enough to convince you. Bro, that's exactly what an axe murderer or serial killer would say, it's not as though these are folks renowned for their honesty, but okay.

If you think your word should be your bond, why not say, "I don't beat women."

Or, "I don't sexually assault."

"I don't make a habit of killing women's self esteem so I can feel better about myself."

Say that, why don't you? Because it takes a certain kind of bravery. It's a real threat, unlike that dude over there with the wood chopping implement. He seems rather impractical.

And if someone says that to you, by all means, believe them. Believe them when they say, "I would never cheat on my wife, I just like to think about doing that." And then watch them do everything in their power to cheat on their wife.

Watch them as they call other men who assault women "the lowest kind of life." "Angadiyil thottathinu ammede nere." And then watch them do exactly that, and pretend that they didn't, they would never, nobody was watching, everybody is a liar. Except they.

So shove your virtue signalling. Shove your expectation that I'll take you at your word when you say you're not a rapist. Shove your #notallmen. Shove your treading the line between good and bad. There's no such thing. You're complicit at best, and a monster at worst.