Processing Trauma: Ltd. Edition

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I wanted to write yesterday, but I was too tired and too drunk. Slept for ages.

Before that, we talked for hours about how we feel re-traumatized when just reading about accounts of sexual harassment and assault.

About the feeling of helplessness as we realize over and over that even the men in our lives who could be considered understanding are separated from us by such a vast ocean of disparity. They've never experienced any such thing, and they probably never will. And these are the ones who do not wilfully follow a pattern of harassment towards every woman they meet. Those guys are farther away, beyond any hope of redemption.

As I see a lot of what we term victim blaming in comments and opinions (from dudes, mainly, but also women) I think about how these people do not, in fact, understand how consent works, or what sex feels like for women. They can never even imagine the subtle shift from control to lack of control that may occur - a crucial, very interesting point in time where a woman's social conditioning and that of a man's come together to create the best environment for violation of bodily integrity. They can never imagine that far too many women might be uncomfortable making out with them or having sex under perfectly consensual circumstances because the memories of a past experience keep intruding into what you want to be an enjoyable evening.

I've been on a few dates with this very nice guy. He's not woke AF or anything, but sweet and kind and enthusiastic about very random things. And when we speak, he leans in a little bit, and puts his arm around me and my body language is precisely the opposite. I face forward and don't look at him as much and try to inch away from the arm. Does he have bad intentions? I highly doubt it. But inside my head I'm fully freaking out. I'm just. Not. Comfortable.

How does one begin to even explain that? How does one explain the panic that comes with being very attracted to someone because the last time you acted on such an attraction was a time you very much regret?

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