Navigating Solutions and Darkness

If I close my eyes at just the right moment, as my boyfriend is opening his laptop, I can see a Fujitsu logo on the back of it, and imagine for a moment that my old laptop is still alive and well. (It's currently stored in the laptop crypt that is my wardrobe, along with 3 others.) It had to be retired after it literally caught fire in my hostel room. It was my fault. I dropped it too many times, and it was really just held together with spit and broken dreams by that point. I still keep it because I want to get the hard drive out someday. It's probably super screwed by this point, and totally unusable. I left it about 4 years too late, but still I hold out hope. That's because I live in the past a lot. I know at least 50 people queuing up to tell me I shouldn't, and I tell them I don't, I swear I don't, because they would never leave me alone otherwise. And yet that's where I am about 50% of the time, still drowning in the murky waters of bogs I...

August 3, 2010 Not so long ago, there was a mass of ugly, writhing worms hidden under the floorboard. And I used to go out there every now and then, and pull up the floorboard, just for the pain it gave me, to watch those motherfuckers squirm through my thoughts. Apparently creepy wormy thoughts have been replaced by punches to the backbone that knock the wind out of you, and leave a neat line of navy blue potatoes right down your back. Crazy night, I tell you, when you figure out that your name has been changed to Salome. When the fact that its your fault makes you a little happy. Just a little happier. :) You're damn sleepy, and yet you keep your eyes open out of guilt, and because you need to give yourself more cause for guilt. You have music pouring into your ears, and out of your fingers, and all you can think is that you're 3 months too late. You have your best friend telling you about how she felt like killing herself, and you're so numb, you have nothing...

At home in a bubble room  Made of broken faces and dying voices  Safe, unharmed, walking the knife's edge  Balancing on a single foot  Blade digging deep  Slipping on the blood/ Holding on  No, I tell a lie The knife lies buried in my abdomen The bubbles fall red-tinged From the whispers of my lips  Don't flirt with danger  But danger is none but folks  Normal/ Passing me on the street  Folks I reach out to touch Eyes wide in disbelief  My fingers pass right through them  My words float past their eyes  I am impossible/ We We are impossible and know it  How can deserving live with the nonexistent? How can a scream change the world  When it dies on its way to my throat  I hunger for your false words  They don't understand why a lie  Would be worth more than nothingness  I hunger for everything that cannot be mine  I weep for what does not exist  I r...

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld Castle of Glass - Linkin Park Take me down to the river bend Take me down to the fighting end Wash the poison from off my skin Show me how to be whole again Fly me up on a silver wing Past the black where the sirens sing Warm me up in a nova's glow And drop me down to the dream below 'Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass Hardly anything there for you to see For you to see Chester Bennington, former frontman of the bank Linkin Park, passed away on July 20, 2017. He was 41. I avoided processing the news.  My friend's kitten is named Chester in his honour. And yet I wonder.  Everybody I know put up statuses lamenting the fact. And yet I wonder.  A few shared pieces on the backlash against his latest music and peoples' sense of entitlement in general. And yet I wonder.  ...

Written almost 2 years to the day (January 2, 2016). Thoughts: Interestingly, I got out of law school. I hate narcissism and navel gazing, I do. I also am  obsessed  with myself - my thoughts, my feelings, and all about how I'm the center of my own universe.  The above sentence is the crux of what I want to talk about, to be honest. Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Are you shy or outgoing? Are you conventional or a non conformist? Well? Do you like parties or not? Intellectual? Fluff pieces only?  Cat or dog person? Likes guys or likes girls? Believe in love? Or do you not?  Want to be a mother? Hate the idea of kids? Are you comfortable in your body? Do you want to be a hot size zero who could wear anything without having to think twice about it? Are you a principled social justice warrior who watches her every word and action just so she can add her little bit to righting the world?  Or are you ...