Blazing In Me Out of All Control: Burn Out Fatigue

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Hiding from the intangible dread, the inevitable doom, and the metallic taste of failure in my mouth. 

Photo by Benjamin Lizardo on Unsplash

I read the thread of emails I've been ignoring for days. Once. Twice. I start to respond, thinking I know what I'm going to say. But wait. What? I grope for the lighter that's always going missing. I knew I can't deal with this today, but I'm going to have to now. 

I sort it out and move on to the next soul-crushing thread. It's even more off the beaten path. I wonder how we got here. Why is it such a momentous effort to move a single neuron in my brain? 

It wouldn't be so hard if I remembered what we'd talked about, just a few emails ago. It wouldn't -- but I have only the vaguest idea of what has been going on. People are interchangeably lost amongst each other. Their requirements seem like endless claims on my time, my mind, my soul. 

Burnout isn't just coming. It's been here a while now, while I lived in denial pushing to tomorrow a force that's here to stay for now. 

This isn't the worst things have been. That's true. But it's also been too long to let myself rest on that bar, low as it is. Things have been bettering themselves, and a new bar is needed.

The new bar will only make me feel even more like a failure. And yet in it must come. In we welcome it. There's a new rock bottom in town, and it's called "still better than law school." 

Ventus wants attention. He won't stop opening cupboards and climbing all over me. Maybe he wants food. All I know for sure is that I can't get up from here - not for love nor money. 

I send another email. And another. And then I walk away. I hide from my room, from my mind, with its uncontrollable forest fire constantly encroaching. From all my thoughts being burned away, memories lost forever. From the intangible dread, the inevitable doom, and the metallic taste of failure in my mouth. 

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