Throwback: The Passing Whisper of the Wind

Written September 19, 2010

It was so effortless. Before I knew it, my world was spinning in a different direction. It was like my mind and the world around me were moving at different speeds. Things took time to sink in, and by the time they did, they'd faded away already.

It took me a while to understand the pain. It took me longer to take that pain and turn it back on the source of it all. It took me a while to learn.

And when I did; when the realization finally hit me, it was all I could do to sink down to the floor, and sob my heart out. I cried that night, because things like this happen only so often, and you're so much smarter if you know to grab it while you can.

And because you're smarter if you know when to let it go, because you're too late for no fault of your own, and it doesn't really matter that everything's just right.

And why?

Because it was the right height, the right smile. The right edge, because there was no question of defenses. Because you knew to turn them back on me, and burn every protection into ashes.

To what end?

You were gone before I ever realized that you were even here. And now it's all I can do to think back to you standing on that bridge, with the forest around you. Smiling at me in that concerned way I never realized I loved so much.

It's all I can do to not look or wave as I see you on that bridge, day after day, and night after night... in all of my dreams and waking hours.

With nothing beyond, all that remains to me is to look back into the looking glass behind me, and smile sadly. Because these things happen. Because sometimes you have to settle for less, or forego it all. Because sometimes, some things make for a synthesis of hate deep within, combined with a dash of resentment, and perhaps a few leaves of bitterness. Because all you can do is to lash out, in fear, in anger, trembling thanks to a bundle of emotions you never experienced, much. Emotions you always rein in, and keep in check, because if you don't, they go galloping like wild horses across the plains of your dreams, setting afire everything touched by their golden hooves.

Leaving a trail of fire across your dreams... and there's no knowing what the wind and the ashes of tomorrow are going to bring.

To say that I'm completely in control is a lie. A lie I'm willing to live with, for the privilege of experiencing just once, the exhilaration of galloping across those fiery plains, one with the passion.

I feel the world around me slow down, and there are things I begin to grasp, finally. The sharp sting of betrayal makes its presence felt now. And hard as I find it to believe,  I swear never to allow the balm of forgiveness to flow over that particular wound. It would have to stand, a testament to the things I should never forget. A warning against trusting the world. A remainder of the reasons for the decision I took years ago.

It is late in the day, but not too late, I trust. It's time to wake up from this dream and let my head break the surface, to quit gasping for air and breath normally again. I rise from my seat by the window, and turn my back upon the full moon in the sky. I close this book I have allowed myself to get immersed in, and fling it over my shoulder. I hear it fly out the window, and then no more. I shall not see where it falls, for it is not my tale to read, or enjoy.

The waters of my Mirror ripple and murmur amongst themselves, but for once I pay no heed to the whispering of my heart, or to the words in the Wind.

All in good time.