Negativity Fatigue

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"Is it normal to want to slash your arms because the cats chewed up a second pair of earphones in one week?"
Photo by Faris Mohammed on Unsplash

I'm guessing the objectively correct answer is, "No." If you go in for that sort of thing, that is.

Me, I'm more of a descend rapidly into a vicious depressive spiral kind of gal.

I've been practicing CBT pretty religiously for a year and a half now. And it's really helped - I can't overstate just how important the ability to challenge my negative thoughts has become. But did anyone account for negativity fatigue? Because after a while, even if you're able to successfully challenge negative thoughts and lay them bare for the lies they are, you really don't want to keep doing this anymore.

"I shouldn't have to!" shouts my brain. And I'm afraid I must agree.

I shouldn't have to deal with one negative thing after another, constantly trying to regulate my moods and put out fires. Deal with a panic attack, and an anxiety attack emerges. Slap a band aid on that, but the depression levels just increased in intensity. Do a bunch of things that lift your mood, but the events of the recent past have screwed with your sleep. Welcome to insomnia.

I am so tired of being constantly hypersensitive, of being sent into spirals by people being careless or inconsiderate, but pulling myself out of that only for something new and horrible to make an appearance.

I am so tired of consistently underperforming, both from an objective as well as a subjective perspective, and in all aspects of my life equally. I am nothing if not well-rounded in failure. 

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