"Why Doesn't She Leave?" Fighting the Abusive Relationship Hydra

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Abusive relationships are insidious. No one comes at any sort of relationship thinking, "Well, this is going to be abusive, and I'm going to be okay with that."

Instead, it starts out small. Maybe it’s displeasure at something or the other in the early honeymoon days of your relationship. Stuff that makes you think, "Well, I don't really mind giving this up," or, “it’s going to be good for me anyway.” Maybe you find reasons to justify the restriction. So what if you have to inconvenience yourself a little? You're probably in love. Nobody wants to really ruin that by starting a fight.

And then it's three years later and you're hyperventilating because you're in the same room.

It is very common, when speaking of abusive relationships, to place the onus of change upon the victim. People rarely stop to question the actions of an abusive person, or to take any steps to stop them.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a complicated process. Abusers are likely to step up their violence when they suspect their partner of trying to leave. Severing certain familial ties can result in social and economic repercussions. This possibility is made worse by the fact that abusers try to win over friends and families. They paint the victim as unreasonable, and portray themselves as the real victim. This leaves victims without a strong support system.

Abusive people make a point of tracking their victims' movement and communication. Victims may have been gaslit into believing that they deserve the abuse. They may also still have feelings for their abuser, or be in love with them.

Loving someone who harms you on a regular basis may sound incongruous. This is because popular conception of abusive relationships centre around heterosexual relationships and marriages, and examples that justify this assumption litter the pages of newspapers, the annals of law, and our personal lives.

But believing that this is the sole manner in which abuse can manifest is naive to the point of painful. Parents, siblings and friends can all be abusive. In fact, I’ve often had cause to observe that ideal Indian parenthood is, by default, abusive.

And yet we continue to love parents who attempt to restrict our freedom of movement, clothing and choice. Even steeped in frustration and misery, how many can walk away from familial relationships? Why would intimate partner relationships be any different?

When it comes to helping friends or relatives out of such relationships, the advice from women who have successfully left is always to wait. Placing further pressure on someone stuck in the vicious cycle of abuse or setting down “it’s me vs. them” style deadlines is unhelpful.

Instead, one can attempt to create a safe space for the abused person to talk, free of judgment or impatience. One can attempt to figure out where gaslighting has taken place in the relationship, and seek to reverse its effects.

As far as ensuring that one never gets into such a relationship to begin with, red flags are key. Be sensitive to the kinds of pressure a partner puts on you right from the early days of the relationship. Do they say or do hurtful things without rhyme or reason? Do they shame or punish you in subtle ways for not conforming to what they think your relationship should look like? Do they infringe on boundaries, turn up unannounced when it was clear you did not want their company at that time, or behave in an entitled fashion?

Looking out for red flags may result in the perception that you're being oversensitive. Ignore that. It's better to be oversensitive than be stuck in a relationship that causes one considerable physical, mental and emotional harm.