Navigating Solutions and Darkness

One thing's for certain. It's going to get a little worse before it gets better. And I'd be able to live with that if I could get myself to fully believe that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. That things really are about to start looking up. 

A poem, wherein Yogananda Paramahansa bullies the Almighty. 

I made a cup of coffee today and it was the hardest thing ever. 

My priority #1 is always whatever is right in front of my face, which is also why my brain thinks writing a blog post about it instead of actually doing those things is the most important thing right now. 

 It's Not Quite Catharsis, But It'll Do For Now

Today I'm wondering whomst the fuck I have to carry out a blood sacrifice to, just to have back a taste of what's normal again. 

In those days, there was less of me, and more of everyone else. I was a shadow, a sliver, an unimportant cameo in movies starring everyone else. I was the disembodied narrator, recording, remembering, unspoken commentary lining the walls of my skull.

I told you once, not so long ago, to warn me before you started to run.

Upon my oath, I am not a violent man. - Sergeant Jackrum, The Monstrous Regiment

In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.”. -  Judith Lewis Herman,  Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

Hot takes are easy. Hardliner stances are easy. Nuance takes time to settle in. Sometimes it takes years. And maybe that's okay, as long as we aren't externalizing the feelings we have into hateful actions against other people. 

Every time I discuss mental health with her, the struggle seems to start from chapter one.

Not a real person

To know that someone has suffered should be enough to move us to take action. The only solution is for people to start treating empathy as an essential part of our makeup, rather than an optional and quirky personality trait.

Skyward was a wild ride, a coming of age story for a stubborn, determined and special girl, and an imaginative science fiction endeavour. I do really love a happy ending. I also love Sanderson's ability to write great, engaging characters, and the fact that so many of his books feature amazing female protagonists.

It feels as though I'm drowning inside my own brain. My eyes won't work, my head feels hotter, and I need a cigarette except my lighter won't work. Well, it's been quite a day. 

Dreams strewn across the carpet of the wronged boy's pride. A few minutes in Time that can never be turned back. It's the close, something very final. 

  Beata Maria You know I am a righteous man Of my virtue I am justly proud Beata Maria You know I'm so much purer than The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd Then tell me, Maria Why I see her dancing there Why her smold'ring eyes still scorch my soul I feel her, I see her The sun caught in her raven hair Is blazing in me out of all control Like fire Hellfire This fire in my skin This burning Desire Is turning me to sin It's not my fault I'm not to blame It is the gypsy girl The witch who sent this flame It's not my fault If in God's plan He made the devil so much Stronger than a man Protect me, Maria Don't let this siren cast her spell Don't let her fire sear my flesh and bone Destroy Esmeralda And let her taste the fires of hell Or else let her be mine and mine alone Hellfire Dark fire Now gypsy, it's your turn Choose me or Your pyre Be mine or you will burn But she will be mine Or she will burn! - Hellfire, The Hunchback of Notre Dame OST 

  Hiding from the intangible dread, the inevitable doom, and the metallic taste of failure in my mouth. 

നമ്മൾ അനുഭവിച്ചറിഞ്ഞ ഒരു സംഭവം അങ്ങനെ അല്ല സംഭവിച്ചതെന്ന് ആവർത്തിച്ച് കേൾക്കുമ്പോഴും, അല്ലെങ്കിൽ, അങ്ങനെയൊന്നും ഒരിക്കലും സംഭവിച്ചില്ലാ എന്ന് കേൾക്കുമ്പോഴും, തീവ്രമായ മാനസിക വിഷമം നമുക്ക് ഉണ്ടാകാൻ സാധ്യത ഉണ്ട്.

Eyes on fire Your spine is ablaze Felling any foe with my gaze And just in time In the right place Steadily emerging with grace

I inhale pain. I exhale love.  I embrace my pain. I accept my pain.  I forgive you.

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream

The mere thought of trying to find someone else defeats me. Navigating the hell that is mental healthcare worldwide is not something I'm prepared to do right now.

Sometimes, what many of us really need is someone to just listen. Someone we can tell our worst thoughts to, without fear of judgement. Someone who can call us out on our bullshit, if necessary.

"Executive dysfunction is commonly seen in major depression. The types of executive deficits seen in depression include problems with planning, initiating and completing goal-directed activities. Executive dysfunction may vary as a function of the severity of depression."  (Source)  

There are some people you can fall in love with simply by reading about them.

Have you ever tried to think through excruciating pain? Have you ever tried to function normally, whilst carrying with you a severe injury? 

You cannot always be there for someone. It is physically, emotionally, and logistically impossible.

It was pain so unimaginable, I thought I was going to die from it.

She said she thinks I'm "handling it great."  I'm not handling it great. 

How to find out whether you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was as though someone had switched a light on in my head and said, “Stop bothering about other people and come look at this mess here.”

Now Feeling: Like A Real Writer

1. Never Say Never - The Fray  2.  Back to Me  - All American Rejects  3. All I Need - One Republic  4. Here We Go - Matt Kearney 5. Gravity - Sara Bareilles 🌟 6. Temptation  - Moby 🌟 7. All We Are - Matt Nathanson  8. Beauty of the Dark - Mads Langer 🌟 9. When A Heart Breaks - S.O. Stereo   10. Down - Jason Walker 🌟 11. Open Arms - Gary Go 🌟 12. All I Need - Within Temptation 🌟 13. Cut  - Plumb 14. Run - Leona Lewis 15. We'll Be A Dream - We the Kings  16. All the Same to Me - Anya Marina  17. True Faith - Anberlin  Honourable Mentions Back in Time - VV Brown I'm A Lady - Santigold  This is Beautiful - Tyrone Wells Only One - Alex Band When You're Ready - Kate Earl The Mess I Made - Parachute  Dishonourable Mentions   You're A Wolf -...

I'm dying to catch my breath Oh why don't I ever learn? I've lost all my trust, Though I've surely tried to turn it around Can you still see the heart of me? All my agony fades away When you hold me in your embrace Don't tear me down for all I need Make my heart a better place Give me something I can believe Don't tear me down You've opened the door now, don't let it close I'm here on the edge again I wish I could let it go I know that I'm only one step away From turning it around Can you still see the heart of me? All my agony fades away When you hold me in your embrace Don't tear me down for all I need Make my heart a better place Give me something I can believe Don't tear it down, what's left of me Make my heart a better place I tried many times but nothing was … - All I Need Within Temptation 

സ്കൂളിൽ വച്ച് ആൺകുട്ടികളെയും പെൺകുട്ടികളെയും ഒരുമിച്ച് ഇരിക്കാൻ സമ്മതിച്ചില്ല. ഇതാണ് ബോയ്സ് ന്‌ ഗേൾസ് നോട് empathy ഇല്ലായ്മ വരാൻ കാരണമത്രേ

I am my own unreasonable boss. You know, the one that does absolutely nothing, sabotages the entire project, refuses to take into account extenuating circumstances, and then takes it out on the employee when things hit the fan. We've all had one at some point.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

The Blackcoat Rebellion  continues with its characteristic incompetence and worthlessness. Boredom, predictability, and frustration ensues.