Hot takes are easy. Hardliner stances are easy. Nuance takes time to settle in. Sometimes it takes years. And maybe that's okay, as long as we aren't externalizing the feelings we have into hateful actions against other people.
Every now and then, debates erupt on the TLs that have already been rehashed a million times over. Which is not a bad thing, because there are always people who are new to a particular discussion, who are trying to understand the ins and outs of it. (I'm trying to be a more balanced, calm and understanding person - does it show yet?)
For me, there are some things that seem instinctively things right, and other things that give me pause. Like the time I saw a TERF post that was enraged about the fact that a trans woman said she really wanted periods. Menstruation is something that I hate so deeply that I was, for a second, affronted. It spoke to how alienated someone was from the concept of being a woman, if they were able to say such a thing.
That was my first thought. I dwelled on that for a few days, burying myself in more trans discourse (not to be confused with TERF discourse) to get a better perspective on the matter. And behind the hot takes was a wave of nuance.
The TERF logic in the post I saw contained some common conflations:
- That menstruation was synonymous with what it means to be a woman.
- That menstruation was synonymous with pain and self-loathing.
Neither of those things is true and have been hotly disputed by cis feminists for years. This logic also dismissed the fact that there are so many cis-women who also express similar sentiments. Not all cis-women menstruate either.
In just a few days, the entire logic behind that post had fallen apart, and I had a better, clearer sense of who I was, and what I believed in.
Hot takes are easy. Hardliner stances are easy. Nuance takes time to settle in. Sometimes it takes years. And maybe that's okay, as long as we aren't externalizing the feelings we have into hateful actions against other people.
I was reminded again of this with the whole bi/ pan lesbian discourse (which I still don't understand!!!), and a very recent discussion on the validity of biromantic heterosexuality.
But heterosexuals aren't allowed in LGBTQIA spaces! It's not for them. Heteros keep away! Stop using the word "heterosexual" to mean anyone who is LGBTQIA. They're just bisexual!
Not everyone who appears cis-het is actually cis-het. And no one should have to announce their sexual or gender identity just to be able to defend themselves. So let's go easy on all the shoot-first-ask-questions-later.
I have to say, this argument really exhausted me mentally. As far as knee-jerks go, I get it. I totally get it. Heterosexuals get to have the entire world. Why can't they just stay TF out of queer spaces? Why they gotta appropriate everything?
Yeah, I hate it when people try to muscle in on spaces they've no right to. But biromantic heterosexual is not, in any sense of the term, a new concept. I first came across it when I was spending a whole lot of time in Ace/ Aro FB groups. [What right did I have to those spaces? I wasn't Ace/ Aro! Whoops, turns out I am now Gray-Ace so what do you know?]
And it instinctively made sense. There needed to be a way to describe people who were Asexual but not Aromantic, and the fact that even within their romantic attractions, they might be oriented towards their own gender or to another gender. That, as I understand it, is the whole purpose of the word "biromantic." To describe where one falls on the Ace/ Aro spectrum.
So if there were biromantic asexuals and biromantic homosexuals, there obviously had to be biromantic heterosexuals. I didn't particularly like it, but it made sense, if only to my symmetry-hungering brain.
People who can fall in love with their own gender or another, but can be sexually attracted only to the opposite gender.
HETEROSEXUALS DON'T BELONG IN LGBTQ!!! Just say you're bisexual.
But since we're splitting hairs here... you're not bisexual if you're not sexually attracted to two genders. Why TF you gotta push your own label on someone who isn't sexually attracted to members of their own gender?
As far as I can tell, the whole point of this discussion is just to remove any mention of the word "heterosexual" in association with LGBTQ. That has to do with our collective baggage around that word, and the oppressive connotations it has for us. But at the end of the day, the word is a descriptor, nothing more. Let's not take our anger at society out on the word.
When putting out hot takes, or just generally expressing our frustration with the world, we don't always get the chance to stop and consider who we're hurting with this stance. There are so many people who aren't out yet, watching these discussions, and feeling personally attacked by them. People who are still figuring out who they are and how they identify.
Maybe biromantic is a step for them towards bisexual, the same way bicurious really helped me between the ages of 14 and 16. Maybe it's who they are and always will be.
IT'S BIPHOBIC!
Why exactly? Because they refuse to use the term "bisexual" to describe themselves? No one is obligated to use the labels YOU demand they use. That's the whole point, that's why we're all here. None of us are obligated to be "Straight" just because society tells us we are. Bisexuals especially experience bi-erasure from both sides depending on what kind of relationship they're in, so perhaps we are even better suited to be empathetic to this situation. For example, bi women are not "lesbians" just because we're dating women, and we are not "straight" just because we're dating men.
In the same way, being biromantic and heterosexual does not make you bisexual.
By the logic I saw demonstrated in this argument, there never would have been any need for the term bisexual at all. Just call us gay/ lesbian/ straight and have done with it.
We are not these things, and that is why we are not called these things.
HETEROSEXUALS HAVEN'T HAD TO EXPERIENCE THE STIGMA THAT I HAD TO, JUST BECAUSE I AM BISEXUAL
True, but this isn't the Oppression Olympics. Bisexuals don't experience homophobia the same way gay or lesbian people do, but that doesn't mean they don't experience harm because of their orientation. They experience a helluva lot of bi-erasure, and bi people in same-sex relationships have to deal with homophobia at the end of the day.
I guffawed the first time I read the not-quite-accurate, titillating headline: “Lesbians beaten for refusing to kiss.” For starters, I’m bisexual, but that’s besides the point. My memories of the fight are addled by adrenaline. Maddeningly, I don’t remember exactly how it started. My persisting anger is directed not towards the idiots on the bus but the reduction of my battered face to cheap clickbait. - Christine Hannigan (Source)
Similarly, a biromantic heterosexual in a same-sex relationship is also going to face homophobia. This is true whether or not they choose to have sex in that relationship. And frankly, what people do in their bedrooms is none of our fucking business.
And even if someone is using the biromantic het descriptor to avoid the stigma associated with bisexual, even if they really are grappling with internalized biphobia, so what? Internalized homophobia is not an aspersion to be cast at people. (Sadly, that was exactly how it was being used on multiple twitter threads today). Internalized homophobia is something a person needs to process and deal with, and yelling at them that they don't "belong" from behind computer and phone screens is really not going to help them process it any better.
This doesn't mean that any heterosexual person looking to walk on the forbidden side should be given a free pass to appropriate LGBTQIA spaces or imagery. But such ferocious gatekeeping is not the answer. Angry hot takes are not the answer.
Nuanced awareness might be a better option. Because when you're busy taking potshots at people that piss you off, you aren't going to notice the closeted, questioning, and confused people who get caught in the crossfire.
And at the end of the day, the whole point of saying gender and sexuality are spectrums is because people are really just that fluid. You can't take people who are trying to get out of one rigid box and just shove them into another.
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