Endorsement

I am my own unreasonable boss. You know, the one that does absolutely nothing, sabotages the entire project, refuses to take into account extenuating circumstances, and then takes it out on the employee when things hit the fan. We've all had one at some point.

Photo by Helen Thomas on Unsplash

I get sad about "not having achieved enough yet" a lot. I think about how I'm not earning at the level I want, and how I don't have the qualifications I would have expected to have. And I get frustrated about it. I throw myself into short energy bursts aimed at "fixing it." I expect to have it fixed now, yesterday, whatever. No excuses.

I am my own unreasonable boss. You know, the one that does absolutely nothing, sabotages the entire project, refuses to take into account extenuating circumstances, and then takes it out on the employee when things hit the fan. We've all had one at some point.

And, if I were to think about it, I'd see that 14 year old me would be so proud. Proud of who I am, proud of what I do. Proud of the fact that I live in a house I rent myself. No hostels or PGs, no halfway accommodations or compromises. Proud of the fact that I live away from home and parents. No friction or conflict, no having to listen to confidence-melting speeches every hour of every day.

Proud of the fact that I have a job. Proud of the fact that I'm good at it. Proud of the fact that I can do housework, cook - even cook chicken! Proud that I have 5 cats that I take care of and play with every day, proud that I own subscriptions to streaming services and Kindle, proud that I drink, that I wear what I want, that I date who I want, that I stop dating when I want to.

Proud that I have a handle on my mental health.

14 year old me was too young and nervous to think about money or college. She didn't know what any of it meant, or what any of it would mean to her. She was struggling to make it through each day, struggling with great sadness and pain that she couldn't understand. Sadness and pain that didn't seem to have a reason, that couldn't be explained away, and which couldn't be fixed. Not all the chocolate in the world could that mind becalm.

So she'd be delighted to know that, 14 years later, most of the questions she held hopelessly in scarred arms have been answered. She'd think her life was - if not perfect - at least in the hands of someone who knows what she's doing.

14 year old me didn't give a fuck about money, but she sure did prize freedom above all things. And she'd be hella proud that I've kept the freedom she fought so hard for intact, that I've built on it, that it's the immovable, unchanging cornerstone of my life.

And that's an endorsement I'm proud to have.