Circling

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Photo by ActionVance on Unsplash

Therapy can be frustrating for multiple reasons.

On the one hand, you have to talk about things you really don't want to talk about. You have to talk about them to someone else, when you won't even give them thought-form inside your own head.

Trying to get past that means turning on honest-mode no matter what, which can lead to... blabbering. Because you're so uncomfortable, and now you're forcing yourself to talk and god knows what the hell you're saying anymore.

Yes, I'm confusing myself AND my therapist. That's great.

But as I said during the session today, I want to write things down so that they may be made sense of. If I'm being honest, I would rather NOT be the person who has to go back and make sense of this stuff. I would rather NOT be in touch with some of my thoughts? Why is that though, because I've been telling myself that I have no thoughts I'm ashamed of - I accept myself, flaws and all. I am open to everything, whatever I may have to say to myself...

So why don't I want to hear it? And what is it I don't want to hear?

The more I get close to some things, the more the resistance increases. It's a sulky resentment that makes my words rougher and my face frown. It's a blurring of... memory? thought? Such that I can remember the sense of resistance, but I CANNOT remember what topics were causing them!

What is this? Tutankamun's curse? "Ye shall not know the location of the tomb." A muggle repelling curse? As soon as you get close, you remember something vaguely important and rush off. The latter analogy strikes closer to home. 

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