How Do You Tell Your Friend It Was Non-consensual?

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CONTENT WARNING: RAPE, NON-CONSENT - DISCUSSION

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

I recently went through the unfortunate experience of having to sit a grown man down and explain to him why his sexual encounter had been non consensual, and what he should have really paid attention to. He was shocked at the allegation, but also, to my great relief, open to the conversation. He didn't deny it, didn't attempt to shift the blame, apologized profusely, and made it all better.

Rape is now yet again at the forefront of our news cycle, and the outrage wave seems to be growing in strength. This time, it's because of a couple of high profile cases in which children were brutalized and murdered. Horrifying, yes. And predictably, everyone* is very vocally anti rape and anti child rape.

*Everyone that isn't utterly disgusting by nature, or would like to think they aren't.

Be that as it may, I'm yet again reminded of the hypocrisy that once led these outraged to blame their own peers for the sexual assaults they'd endured. Of all of the "there's always another side to the story." And I'm reminded that after my above mentioned conversation, I began to wonder how any of these people would react if they themselves were informed that they'd engaged in sexual activity with someone non-consensually.

I spoke with a friend of mine recently who also referenced a non consensual sexual encounter - with a mutual friend of ours. For obvious reasons, she'd feel better if she were to confront him about it, but a combination of internalised victim blaming and reluctance to self-label as a victim, as well as reluctance to deal with the potential backlash from the guy has resulted in me offering to help with the confrontation. And now I wonder what words I must use, that he would not become defensive. I wonder how I will keep my anger in check. I wonder how to explain - yet again - the concept of rape to a grown ass man.

"No, it's not necessarily violent and injurious and inclusive of screaming, as one sees in the movies."

"No, there isn't another side to the story."

..."Unless that side is, 'I don't know what rape is, bro.'"

"Sex without a condom is something you have to ask about beforehand."

"Sex itself is something you have to ask about beforehand."

After two different conversations this week in which two different perfectly nice men spouted MRA talking points at me, I'm tired. There's plenty of outrage about what's happening to these children - rightfully - but please, at this time, take a moment to bring yourself up to speed on the importance of affirmative consent and discussing intentions with your partners. Bring yourself up to speed on how not to victim blame, and why it's important to believe rather than doubt a story. And most importantly, ask yourself how you would react if your partner told you they didn't consent, and prepare a script that doesn't expose you as a defensive, responsibility shifting moron.

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