Navigating Solutions and Darkness

പൊന്നാമ്പല്‍ പുഴയിറമ്പില്‍ നമ്മള്‍ അന്നാദ്യം കണ്ടതോര്‍മ്മയില്ലേ  കുഞ്ഞോളം തുള്ളിവന്നൊരഴകായ് എന്‍ മുന്നില്‍ മിന്നി വന്ന കവിതേ പണ്ടത്തെ പാട്ടുറങ്ങുമൊരു മണ്‍ വീണയാണെന്റെ മാനസം അന്നെന്നില്‍ പൊവണിഞ്ഞ മൃദു സല്ലാപമല്ലോ നിന്‍ സ്വരം എന്നിട്ടും നീ എന്നോടിന്നു മിണ്ടാത്തതെന്താണ് ? പൊന്നാമ്പല്‍ പുഴയിറമ്പില്‍ നമ്മള്‍ അന്നാദ്യം കണ്ടതോര്‍മ്മയില്ലേ  കുഞ്ഞോളം തുള്ളിവന്നൊരഴകായ് എന്‍ മുന്നില്‍ മിന്നി വന്ന കവിതേ  നിന്നെയെതിരേല്‍ക്കുമല്ലോ പൌര്‍ണ്ണമി പെണ്‍ കൊടി പാടി വരവേല്‍ക്കുമല്ലോ പാതിരാപ്പുള്ളുകള്‍ നിന്റെ അനുവാദമറിയാന്‍ എന്‍ മനം കാതോര്‍ത്തിരിപ്പൂ എന്നു വരുമെന്നു വരുമെന്നെന്നും കൊതിയാര്‍ന്നു നില്പൂ വരില്ലേ നീ വരില്ലേ കാവ്യ പൂജാ ബിംബമേ നിലാവായ് നീലരാവില്‍ നില്പൂ മൂകം ഞാന്‍ പൊന്നാമ്പല്‍ പുഴയിറമ്പില്‍ നമ്മള്‍ അന്നാദ്യം കണ്ടതോര്‍മ്മയില്ലേ കുഞ്ഞോളം തുള്ളിവന്നൊരഴകായ് എന്‍ മുന്നില്‍ മിന്നി വന്ന കവിതേ മൂടുപടമെന്തിനാവോ മൂകാനുരാഗമേ പാതി മറയുന്നതെന്തേ അന്യയെ പോലെ നീ എന്റെ പദയാത്രയില്‍ ഞാന്‍ തേടി നിന്‍രാജാങ്കണങ്ങള്‍ എന്റെ പ്രിയ ഗാന ധാരയില്‍ നിന്നിലെ ശ്രുതി ചേര്‍ന്നിരുന്നു വരില്ലേ നീ വരില്ലേ നീ ചൈ

Soon this will feel like a distant dream. Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. - Elise, Westworld എനിക്കൊരു കൊച്ചു കുറ്റം ഏറ്റുപറയാനുണ്ട്. അല്ല, അതൊരു കുറ്റമല്ല, മറിച്ചൊരു സ്വകാര്യം. ഭാഗ്യദേവത എന്ന സിനിമയിലെ ആഴി തിരതന്നിൽ എന്ന പാട്ടെനിക്ക് വളരെ ഇഷ്ടമാണ്. സത്യത്തിൽ, അതിലെ മുഖ്യ കഥാപാത്രം കാണിക്കുന്ന സുശീലതയും സ്നേഹവും എനിക്കൊരിക്കലും കാണിക്കാനാവില്ലെങ്കിലും, ആ സിനിമ തന്നെ എനിക്ക് വളരെ ഇഷ്ടമായി. ജയറാം സിനിമ എടുക്കുന്നത് വീട്ടമ്മമാരെ ഉദ്ദേശിച്ചാണ്. അതുകൊണ്ട് തന്നെ സ്ത്രീക്ക് ഏതോ ദേവത ഭാവം കൊടുക്കാതെ സിനിമ പൂർത്തിയാകില്ല. തന്നോട് മോശമായി പെരുമാറുന്ന ഒരാളെ സ്നേഹംകൊണ്ട് ജയിച്ചെടുക്കുക എന്ന ഈ ആശയം തീരെ സംശയകരമായി മാത്രമേ എനിക്ക് തോന്നുകയുള്ളൂ. എങ്ങനെയായാലും, ഇതുപോലെ ചിന്തിക്കുന്ന സ്ത്രീകളുടെ തലയിൽ ചവിട്ടി അല്ലെ പുരുഷന്മാർ ഇത്രയും വഷളായത്? ഇങ്ങനെയൊക്കെ ചിന്തിച്ചിട്ടും പിന്നെ എന്തുകൊണ്ട് ഈ പാട്ട് കേൾക്കാൻ ഞാൻ പിന്നെയും പിന്നെയും തിരികെ വരുന്നു? ഗന്ധങ്ങൾ ഓർമ്മകളെ ഉണർത്തുന്നതുപോലെ തന്നെ ഈ പാട്ടും ഇതാ, എന്നോട് മോശമായി പെരുമാറിക്കൊണ്ടിരുന്ന ആരെയോ സ്നേഹിച്ച ഒരു കാ

Adapted from this site. Near the ashrama of Dronacharya, where Arjun and his brothers learned the martial arts, there lived a bright Nishada boy named Eklavya. He desired to learn the art of archery from Dronacharya. But Drona would never accept Eklavya as his disciple due to his low caste. It was futile to dream of such a privilege. But the boy was not be put off. His determination knew no bounds. Near his house, under a tree, Eklavya installed a clay idol of Dronacharya that he worshipped as his Guru. Daily, placed offerings in front of this image and taught himself the art of the bow and arrow. His lessons paid off, and he attributed his success to his Guru Dronacharya. One day, Drona and Arjun were passing near the hut of Eklavya. It was pleasant and peaceful afternoon and people were taking rest. But the tranquility and silence was broken by constant barking of a dog. Eklavya did not like this, and therefore, he shut the mouth of the dog with an arrow. Dronacharya an

Soon this will feel like a distant dream.  Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber. -  Elise,  Westworld Chantham Kalindi Nadam - Chess ചന്തം  കാളിന്ദി നാദം  - ചെസ്സ്  I loved this movie when I first saw it. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). This was mostly because I used to be a huge Dileep fan. (I can never be accused of having particularly good taste). I used to be a huge Dileep fan because I found him extremely funny. (I repeat, I can never be accused of having particularly good taste).  I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was love at first sight for the  Chantham Kalindi song and I. But it was definitely crush at first sight. And then this thing happened at dance class, and my crush developed into a full strength infatuation complete with angry jealousy and fantasies inside my head.  I may have mentioned this before, but I am not a naturally talented dancer. Today, yes, I am a good dancer - but talent played lit

Written August 15, 2010 I'd like to start by referring back to my last post... "It's surprising how, the moment you get out of your car to investigate the road block, the block disappears. And it's surprising how, when you think about it (or have it pointed out to you, as the case may be), your respect for yourself actually grows." However, the question is whether or not to let that respect define you. Should I be happy with myself because of all the other considerations that cannot have come in exactly the same combination into someone else's life? Or should I put that imaginary base up for myself round about where everyone else's is, and try and measure up? The heavy stuff left behind, I shall move onto my increasing discomfort with the fact that I just copied, verbatim, a whole damn paragraph from my previous post without citing it!!!! This, ladies and gentlemen is yet another aspect of life at law school - the writing of research papers, an

Written December 12, 2010 Tonight I said goodbye To a dream I saw again Something I once knew A long time ago In another life I could go this distance And yet another one But why then do I find myself Coming back around to this Little town I cherish in my heart I could do a million times Better and the world is mine For the taking so why Does everything feel incomplete Without you around to smile And make me feel so much better Forgive me for not leaving Forgive me for wanting to watch Over you this night And the next and every single Minute of forever Some things I can't help So I will let you hide Somewhere no one can see Someplace to call our own Maybe someday I'll take you there It will be our secret Our hideout, far away from the distance That pulls me into the pain And some nights all I do Is fall asleep in your arms These dreams I say goodbye to Forgive me for turning my back on you The distance calls and I'm succumbing To

I adore Jessica Jones. The show and the character. In my opinion, it is hands down the best show in the entire Defenders universe. My TV tastes aren't usually shared by those in my immediate social circle - I have only to mention The Vampire Diaries,  for instance, for the eye rolling to start. This is partly because the women I'm friends with have no great interest in the fantasy/ sci-fi genres, and the friends I have that like fantasy/ sci-fi all seem to be men. As a result, men who like sci-fi now are, to me, the most infuriating species of all time. They will happily tick off their favourite shows - Supernatural (no women characters, except for when Jody Mills turns up) and  Stranger Things (aka this one girl is so much powerful than everything else so the ration of roughly 2:1 ratio is totes cool) are common faves. It's supremely rare to find a guy that has even heard of Once Upon A Time , let alone one who counts it among his faves. TVD  and Teen Wolf are scoffe

Trying not to get starry eyed over this boy may have been the hardest thing I've ever done. Memories are tricky. You know how olfactory senses are supposed to be the greatest triggers for memory ever? Well, something that comes close is reopening an old, closed door... and then combining it with another old closed door opening up. Out of the blue. Man, I kind of feel like I got hit in the face by a whole bunch of doors, and yes, this is about the Backstreet Boys concert that just happened in Dubai. When I first heard about it, I remember thinking, whoa, my Instagram story feed is going to be insane when this is happening. And I was definitely right about that. I mean, damn Dubai, I thought you couldn't hurt me anymore, and now I feel like I'm fifteen all over again. I won't, I tell myself. I won't encourage these feelings, just because there's yet another lanky, chocolate boy involved. I won't long for what I can't have, won't start to imag

The things we did, the things we said Keep coming back to me and make me smile again You showed me how to face the truth Everything that's good in me I owe to you Though the distance that's between us Now may seem to be too far It will never separate us Deep inside I know you are Never gone, never far In my heart is where you are Always close, everyday Every step along the way Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye I know you will be forever in my life (yeah) Never gone No no no I walk alone these empty streets There is not a second you're not here with me The love you gave, the grace you've shown Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone (Somehow) Somehow you found a way To see the best I have in me As long as time goes on I swear to you that you will be Never gone, never far In my heart is where you are Always close (always close) Everyday (everyday) Every step along the way Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye I know you will be forever

I don't usually have high hopes for action thrillers by white male authors. They're bound to involve super-efficient macho male protagonists, female leads whose greatest selling point is their attractiveness to the male leads, and the a plot that is basically all over the place. But, you know, you don't usually care because your flight is late by three hours and you need to kill time. I picked up State of Fear because I was chilling at my aunt's place and my phone was low on charge. I'd very wisely left my charger at my friend's place, so there wasn't anything else I could do except read. And the collection my uncle had left behind was mainly a bunch of atheist propaganda and also action thrillers by white males. *Snore* As I had recently had someone praise The Lost World  to me, I decided to give Michael Crichton a try. (I outgrew Jackie Collins by the time I was 13.) The book wasn't even engaging enough to prompt me to ask my aunt whether I cou

CONTENT WARNING: RAPE, NON-CONSENT - DISCUSSION Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash I recently went through the unfortunate experience of having to sit a grown man down and explain to him why his sexual encounter had been non consensual, and what he should have really paid attention to. He was shocked at the allegation, but also, to my great relief, open to the conversation. He didn't deny it, didn't attempt to shift the blame, apologized profusely, and made it all better. Rape is now yet again at the forefront of our news cycle, and the outrage wave seems to be growing in strength. This time, it's because of a couple of high profile cases in which children were brutalized and murdered. Horrifying, yes. And predictably, everyone* is very vocally anti rape and anti child rape. *Everyone that isn't utterly disgusting by nature, or would like to think they aren't. Be that as it may, I'm yet again reminded of the hypocrisy that once led these outraged to blame t

There is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing your childhood crush thought you were cute. Especially that they thought something about you was cute that you personally hated. There's nothing quite like having a childhood crush turn out to be sweet, soft spoken, generally adorable... if a little faffy. My ninth grade self is so proud, I swear. In fact, there is nothing in the world quite like polite boys. Boys who make time to consider your feelings and (!!) text back. Boys who are just... Kind. Just... Nice. Just... Okay, I'm crying now. #damaged #thebarislow There is also nothing quite like finding out Nivin Pauly is your aunt's neighbor. There is nothing like having friends who are friendly across decades, who do things for you without expecting anything in return even though maybe they don't even know you. Nothing like friends. Nothing like healing. Nothing like... Just generally feeling unburdened, lighter, un-anxious. Free of law school and law school

As evening fell and darkened into a not-unpleasant kind of night, I watched a cute guy talk about how his trainee would probably mess up if he didn't immediately clarify things for him. And all I could think of was Praveen. Cut to a month or so ago, when I was at my CCD with Praveen's boss, who wouldn't stop talking about Praveen. "So I walked into office one day," said Praveen's Boss, "in a fairly good mood. And I hear this guy say 'Kannada Gothilla.' And I didn't know what came over me, but I just said, 'Praveen, return his advance and tell him his car is not available.' And the client protested, since the car was waiting for him outside and he could see that. I ignored him and went inside. So the client asked Praveen what was wrong with his boss. And Praveen is such a funny guy, he just said straight up, 'I've been working for him for several years now, and I still don't understand anything he says. He's just insan