Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Whenever I hear of problematic behaviour displayed by a famous or semi-famous person, I bookmark it somewhere in my head. But such is the range and variety of problematic behaviour that it is impossible to keep track of every monster and the details of their repellent behaviour. So in a lot of cases, I make a face when I hear a particular name but cannot immediately recall why. When Sacred Games was released, I was highly unimpressed (primarily because Saif Ali Khan). I wasn’t planning on watching it. Now, for most people, the big draw was Nawazuddin Siddiqui, whom I had previously seen only in Kahaani. And sure, he displayed charisma in that movie, but it wasn’t enough to cancel out the big, boring presence of Saif Ali Khan. And then a friend of mine started talking about Sacred Games while we were out for lunch. I made a face. But Nawazuddin Siddiqui, he said. I love that guy. I know twisted, fucked up characters are his forte, but I love that guy. I made a ...

I get angrier at myself for being depressed when things are going well than I do for when things are going up in flames. The more reasons to feel happy the are the more I feel obligated to be happy. And I know that's unfair of me because depression doesn't exactly give me a say in these things. But it is a very difficult responds to unlearn. Watching Petra struggle with postpartum depression on Jane the virgin has allowed me to unlock an even deeper level of empathy. (And fresh hate for Tom Cruise and all men like him who use their pedestal to propagate hateful and potentially damaging bullshit.) I still can't figure out why the Jane the virgin poster features a girl child though, and I'm two seasons in. I have been doing nanowrimo this year, and it has finally been working for me after so many years. I am reminded of when I started work on my first novel, back in 2013. I used to write on paper back then, although right now that feels like double the work. And Nan...

05.11.2018 Hello, Grumpy Grumperson here. Hope you're all having a nice day. I'm not, although I wouldn't chalk it up to depression or difficulty. I'm just having a very grumpy day (since I woke from my afternoon nap - am I a baby?) Great, now I'm even grumpy about the words Grumpy GrumperSON. PRO: I looked at an apt, took kittens to the vet, napped, and swept the house. CON: I still have Nano to do today, an exam to study for, and LOADS of housework. I also have an irrational urge to scream at people for no reason. I do not think that's normal. 🙄

Somebody just asked me if I'm doing Nanowrimo and it legit made me even more depressed. To be fair, I've generally been quite depressed for a while. For approximately 12 years, if we're being technical about it. But also for a few months, because this year I have had good weeks as well as bad weeks. It's so bad right now that I'm psyching myself up to do some basic housework through my writing. The agreement I have with myself is that I will write do one or two things around the house for every few paragraphs. And on that note... *Pause* Well, the worst of it is done. Just the time consuming bits left now. It should be a good weekend considering all the good things - even great things - that have been happening. And yet, I feel like a trash fire. I find myself resenting everyone and everything. I find myself losing my goddamn mind. It's only for another month, tries the voice of reason in my head. And I groan, because ANOTHER MONTH? 28 further days of mad...

December 19, 2010 Watch  The inmates d oomed to stay In this here  Prison house/ Counting bars Watching the shadows/ lengthen Across the desolate yard See  The wistful glances  dart  At sky a nd skylark both Freedom and joy both denied  Watch As their hunger grows The world is hard  On fallen stars Fate is harder, pitiless The punishment most serious For losing what most Could never hope to get Most heartbreaking to see Is the way they turn inwards Tearing at each other Killing for the sake of pain buried Deep in desiccating hearts For mistakes old and mistakes young Faults real and faults imagined The last embers of humanity Consumed in misplaced bestial rage Watch them fight Rolling across the yard In furious embraces locked Fashioning sport for the watching world Gladiator-like and self consuming anger Unheeding jeers and catcalls Something beyond humiliation and defeat Co...

Crossposted. October 1, 2010. Yesterday, you sat beside me as I cried. Today, there's no one to hold me as I cry. And that is how I know you're still alive. Because every minute of my days, you're a hole in the world, floating softly next to me, filling my dreams and fantasies, and all my waking hours. I feel myself giving slowly in to the pressure. An evil imp insists that I take the plunge, but I know that even as I slice into the blue depths of the pool, there will be no water to caress my sore skin, to soothe the aching pain that afflicts me. What can I say, except that you walked away on a moonlit night? That the strange loud music in the background drowned out the sound of my heart breaking. What can I say, except that I had no choice but to break the circle to keep myself sane? Princesses know the duties they owe State and people. Royalty from around the world courts us with gifts unimaginable, with more flowers than our castles can hold, with more l...

Derivative: product whose value is derived off of one or more basic variables, called underlying assets. Forwards: a customized OTC contract between two parties where settlement takes place on a future date at prices agreed upon today. Swaps: arrangement between two parites to exchange cash flows in the future according to a prearranged formula.             Interest rate swaps             Currency swaps Market players: hedgers speculators arbitrageurs   Tick: minimum size of price change. The market price will change only in multiples of the tick. Lot: aka contract amount – the minimum amount that can be traded The profit or loss associated with the change of one tick = tick x contract amt. Market cycle: the period over which a contract trades. Final settlement date aka value date: last business day of the month – for inter-ban...