Navigating Solutions and Darkness

Somebody just asked me if I'm doing Nanowrimo and it legit made me even more depressed. To be fair, I've generally been quite depressed for a while. For approximately 12 years, if we're being technical about it. But also for a few months, because this year I have had good weeks as well as bad weeks. It's so bad right now that I'm psyching myself up to do some basic housework through my writing. The agreement I have with myself is that I will write do one or two things around the house for every few paragraphs. And on that note... *Pause* Well, the worst of it is done. Just the time consuming bits left now. It should be a good weekend considering all the good things - even great things - that have been happening. And yet, I feel like a trash fire. I find myself resenting everyone and everything. I find myself losing my goddamn mind. It's only for another month, tries the voice of reason in my head. And I groan, because ANOTHER MONTH? 28 further days of mad...

December 19, 2010 Watch  The inmates d oomed to stay In this here  Prison house/ Counting bars Watching the shadows/ lengthen Across the desolate yard See  The wistful glances  dart  At sky a nd skylark both Freedom and joy both denied  Watch As their hunger grows The world is hard  On fallen stars Fate is harder, pitiless The punishment most serious For losing what most Could never hope to get Most heartbreaking to see Is the way they turn inwards Tearing at each other Killing for the sake of pain buried Deep in desiccating hearts For mistakes old and mistakes young Faults real and faults imagined The last embers of humanity Consumed in misplaced bestial rage Watch them fight Rolling across the yard In furious embraces locked Fashioning sport for the watching world Gladiator-like and self consuming anger Unheeding jeers and catcalls Something beyond humiliation and defeat Co...

Crossposted. October 1, 2010. Yesterday, you sat beside me as I cried. Today, there's no one to hold me as I cry. And that is how I know you're still alive. Because every minute of my days, you're a hole in the world, floating softly next to me, filling my dreams and fantasies, and all my waking hours. I feel myself giving slowly in to the pressure. An evil imp insists that I take the plunge, but I know that even as I slice into the blue depths of the pool, there will be no water to caress my sore skin, to soothe the aching pain that afflicts me. What can I say, except that you walked away on a moonlit night? That the strange loud music in the background drowned out the sound of my heart breaking. What can I say, except that I had no choice but to break the circle to keep myself sane? Princesses know the duties they owe State and people. Royalty from around the world courts us with gifts unimaginable, with more flowers than our castles can hold, with more l...

Derivative: product whose value is derived off of one or more basic variables, called underlying assets. Forwards: a customized OTC contract between two parties where settlement takes place on a future date at prices agreed upon today. Swaps: arrangement between two parites to exchange cash flows in the future according to a prearranged formula.             Interest rate swaps             Currency swaps Market players: hedgers speculators arbitrageurs   Tick: minimum size of price change. The market price will change only in multiples of the tick. Lot: aka contract amount – the minimum amount that can be traded The profit or loss associated with the change of one tick = tick x contract amt. Market cycle: the period over which a contract trades. Final settlement date aka value date: last business day of the month – for inter-ban...

Introduction to Currency Derivatives  Foreign Currency (FX) is the value of one country’s currency against that of another. This arises due to the need to exchange from one currency to another during cross-border trade. Gold was used as the benchmark for valuation until the Bretton Woods system was introduced between 1944 and 1971. This system combines the gold method of valuation with a floating rate system . All currencies were pegged to the USD, and the USD was pegged to gold. The US made a guarantee that other central banks can convert their money to USD at any point in time. Countries agreed to maintain the exchange rate in the range of plus or minus 1% of the fixed parity of the US dollar. In this way, the US currency became the dominant currency. Bretton Woods was eventually suspended, with all countries adopting the floating rate system. Developed countries eventually moved to a market determined exchange rate .  Developing countries adopted a system of pegged cu...

Something has been bothering me ever since I found out my sister has gotten an internship at a top tier law firm in Mumbai, and I just realized what. It's about the selfish angle, of course. That nobody could get me the same thing back when it would have probably really helped me. 👅 Now that that's processed and out of the way, I can go back to worrying about whether she'll be able to do alright there. (And also dream about my shiny new job which actually makes me happy, which is more than can be said for getting such an internship - or even a job at a top-tier law firm.) On a related note, I'm glad to see that I'm able to be an enthu cutlet*  despite the depression. The status of the depression has officially been updated from "moderate" to "low." *Slang for "overly enthusiastic in a harmless way"

'Tis that time of the year again, when I must begin to look at houses, consider exams, and a whole lotta other stressful things. It's in times like these that I grind my teeth in frustration at the memes we millennials make to try and get through life. All those digs at boomers and whoever. It feels hopeless that this is all we can do. Or maybe that's just the allergies talking. To me, it feels like a good day to be depressed. (When is it not?) But that being said, I don't want to be depressed today, and  it's one of those days where I can decide whether or not to be. Welcome to the bluh of moderate depression. The thing about moderate depression is that it actually feels lighter to those of us who struggle with severe depression on a regular basis. You actually feel "happy," even though you have no hope, no faith, no strength to do anything except the bare minimum and then lay in bed. Relativistic bullshit at its best. In addition to all of that...