Validation

Talking about an underage girl who kept having sex-chats with strangers on the internet, and coming to the conclusion that what she was basically looking for was validation - a context that immediately placed her actions in a far more understandable light.

Ahh, validation, the very bane of my existence. Saw a tweet today that said that the best thing you could do to help someone with borderline personality disorder is to give them validation, and yeah, I relate to that hard. To me, it feels like a thing that costs nothing to give out, but which seems to be withheld anyway. And then, when it's withheld, I read that action as being spiteful - because what does it cost someone to just say that, yes, my feelings are valid, my reading of the situation is valid. But, hey, everybody has their own reasons, and most people probably feel as trapped by their emotional makeup as I do by mine, so the healthiest thing to do is cut losses.

If only cutting losses were so simple. When you've known people for years - decades, even - the impact and influence they've had on your life is vast, and that makes it difficult to figure out what to disentangle how. For instance, a mere five years of constantly talking to one person has resulted in my picking up their habit of dropping the pronouns at the beginning of a sentence. They speak English badly, I don't, and yet here we are.

"We were talking ... and came to the conclusion."

"I saw a tweet today..." 

When you know people for a long, long time, it's hard to figure out where you end and where they begin. Lots of times, I think about mannerisms, or a belief, or my feelings about a particular movie or book, and I wonder, "which of us liked it first?" I was cooking with mom one day, and she used the bottom half of her kurta to move a hot utensil off the stove. I laughed and remarked on how that's something I would do, despite how dangerous a habit it is. She told me she'd picked up the habit after seeing me do it a year before that.

I tend to say, "But, yeah..." in conversation a lot. Somewhere along the way, the way I laughed changed a bit to reflect somebody else's laugh. I have to resist the urge to say "Uh-huh", both because I know that's not how I talk, and because the sound irritates me into a rage. I loved Guardians of the Galaxy and consider Captain America: Winter Soldier a perfect movie. Recently I dared to ask myself why, and did not like the answer. I did try to deflect, arguing that Honest Trailers liked these movies too, but how in the world did I ever start watching Honest Trailers to begin with?

I was never a fan of jumpsuits, until my sister bought one. Didn't like chunky jewellery, but two of my best friends in college were into them. And, sure, I always liked cats, but I didn't really feel like I had the space to get to know them better until I met Tiger in a crazy, crazy coincidence.

And as for validation, and the damage it can do, there are tons of arguments that I know I technically would have won, except the people I was talking to refused to continue the conversation, or to admit they were wrong. They failed to validate the way I felt, or that what I was saying made sense. And when these were people that I looked up to - people from whom my sense of validation was supposed to originate...  Ooh, that's a messed up can of worms.

I once mentioned that I'd always felt that I'd been born 40, and an older female relative (who really should know better) tried to use that to justify statutorily raping a teenager. (She wanted to defend rapist priests). Told an older male relative that opening a business didn't make sense for them considering their total lack of knowledge when it came to anything economics. They talked over me and chose to ask my brother (who hasn't studied anything of the sort) for advice instead. And it's gotten to the point where feeling invisible can provoke an insane kind of rage - 'cause, hey, they should be able to notice that, right?

So, yes, I can relate to the whole, "Give the people validation" situation. And besides, if you're always ignored, it becomes even more difficult to separate what's correct and what isn't from inside your head. Honestly, it costs nothing, people. Make the effort to step outside of your emotional jail loops - or to at least study them, which is the first step to breaking out. Introspect, and be brave enough to show that you care.